"Off the Team!"

I was having one of "those" days a few days back and it caused me to dwell a little more on the things I've sacrificed as a mom. This time I wasn't doing it as a means to think positive. In reality, I was being a martyr because I was having the type of day where I was contemplating selling one of my sons to the ice cream man when he drove by. Lucky for him, it's winter and there are no ice cream trucks driving around. Instead, I chose to tell (okay, yell at) my son that he was "off the team". I had had it with his selfishness. Can you imagine which son had just gotten thrown off the team? Yep. It was Mr. Working-On-Not-Being-Selfish, except he wasn't doing so well at it. Honestly, I had to laugh at myself when I realized that in the heat of the moment, I had just thrown my son off the team. I had never done that before but his behavior sent me to a place where I had to think of something--and quick! I think all the kids were just as surprised as I was!

I had just picked up my kids from a friend's house and since it was a "movie night" of sorts, they had brought their pillows and blankets in case they fell asleep. The Talker was trying to get his seat belt on, but his belongings were in the way so he had tried to put them on his Working-On-Not-Being-Selfish brother's lap since he was already strapped in. Good thinking, don't you think? It made logical sense to me that he should be able expect his brother to be willing to help him out, right? Well apparently Mr. Working-On-Not-Being-Selfish was not on the same page as anyone but himself. He decided that instead of being helpful, he was going to continually throw The Talker's things back into his lap every time he was about to buckle his seat belt. It was a cycle that successfully ended The Talker up in a crying tizzy. Can anyone else picture this happening in their car?

This chaos of selfishness is what caused my son to get thrown off the team. Now I'm sure you're wondering, "What the heck team is she talking about?" Well, our family team, of course. In order to encourage team work in our house, we have this mentality that we are a team (even with a special team name) and we all play a part. There is no room for selfishness on this team. In fact, we have a picture of runners passing a baton on our wall and we refer to it as "dropping the baton" if someone has either been selfish or not respected someone's personal boundaries. An example of violating boundaries would be when one child asks another to stop hitting them and the other child does not stop immediately. Or maybe when one child uses another child's ink markers without asking.

Back to the car and the sacrificial thoughts. As I drove home (because the car was really silent now), I realized that right under my nose something had been brewing and I had missed it. You see, along with a list of many other things, I also have had to sacrifice being able to "turn off my brain" whenever I want to. Boy would I ever like to do that with everything on my plate right now, but it is my responsibility on our team for me to keep my mind active and aware of what is going on around me. I had just assumed that all was pleasant in Pleasantville for some reason and given into my longing to "shut down." Now I had to figure out how to pick up the pieces of an issue that had obviously been going on, but I had not noticed. Now I had to figure out how to get the morale of the team back.

Now that my brain had been jolted back into gear, it was time for a team meeting. We had a pep talk of sorts. We talked about who is on our team and what is the purpose. We reviewed what it means to consider others more important than ourselves. We reviewed respecting each other's boundaries and we talked about passing the baton. All weekend long (and even today) I had to intentionally make sure that I was always listening to what was going on--everywhere--and make myself available to drop whatever I was doing to referee any team issues. I asked the question, "Is that what teamwork would look like?" over and over again. You see, it's practice that makes it work. I will continue this process for probably another week, whatever it takes, until my kids have reviewed the teamwork concept so much that it gets back to being their habit. Will I have to re-visit this issue again someday? Probably. We may be a family, but we are human after all. A mother's work is never done.

It's not easy being a mom, but that is what I'm here for. I am here to be available to help my children as they flesh out the things they are learning. You see, it may not be convenient to stop whatever I'm doing and put my referee hat on, but I must live out what I believe. I believe that developing the character of my children is more important than any task that I do. So what if dinner is late or I have to call someone back? My children's character and spiritual development is my utmost priority.

So what about you and your team? Do you have a team or are you all co-habitating? What can you do to begin building Team (insert your last name here)? Ya know, it all starts from the top and if you believe in team work, so will your team.

The Purpose of This Blog

As I spoke at MOPS last night and I saw a lot of serious faces in the crowd, I realized that when I talk about "Parenting with the Future in Mind", it can be a such a serious topic. It can kind of kick you in the pants, but I personally like getting that "kick" every once in a while because it makes me re-evaluate, learn and grow. Maybe I'm weird this way, but having a vision for my parenting actually doesn't depress me. It gets me all excited and motivated to do a better job. I don't dwell on what I haven't done, instead I choose to focus on the new goal.

I do not write this blog to make you feel like you suck as a mom (like Heather thinks I do :)). I write it to share some of the things I've done or am doing so that maybe you can do them too. I write it to inspire you to be a better mom and to put some thought into this very big job God has given us. Instead of feeling like you "survived" being with your kids today, I want you to consider it a privilege and look forward to doing it again tomorrow.

So if you are new to this blog, take a minute to navigate back to my very first post titled "The Mommy Map" and read why this blog began in the first place.

Press On, My Friend

As I was meditating on my previous post, I had these scriptures come to mind. They are verses that encourage me often and I thought I'd share them with you in order to encourage you to press on even when you don't see the fruit of your hard work.

Galatians 6:9 - "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

Hebrews 12:12-13 - "So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong."

The following verse reminds me daily to keep my pride down and remember that is not my own strength that allows me to be the parent that I am. I am only able to do what I do because of the Lord.

II Corinthians 3:5 - "Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God."

Here are a few more to look up yourself and meditate on...Hebrews 11:1 and Hebrews 10:35.

Parenting Is Not For Sissies

As I stood at the counter in my kitchen in my nice warm house and I looked out the window into my wintry backyard at my bare fruit trees, I had this thought. Just like caring for fruit trees is a lot of work, so is parenting. Parenting is certainly not for sissies. It is definitely not for those faint of heart who want convenience and immediate results. Whoever said that parenting is easy was dead wrong.

When we moved into our house a few years back, we were so excited to have fruit trees--5 different kinds. It was gonna be so great to enjoy having free fruit in our yard. Little did we know how much hard work it would be to enjoy the harvest. Luckily for us, we had some older, wiser people that were experienced with fruit trees and came alongside to help us to learn the ropes. As we progressed throughout the year, we spent many a weekend out in the freezing cold, pruning, spraying and tending to our fruit trees. We thought for sure we'd lost our mind since we certainly weren't seeing any results from our labors. It was only the assurance of our friends that had done this before that our efforts would pay off. It seemed like the longest year of our life without ever seeing one single piece of fruit from those trees. Sometimes we doubted and wanted to give up. Sometimes we were just tired and didn't want to put in the effort. Sometimes we had to wait out a storm before we could get back to work. Sometimes we were just plain busy and had a hard time fitting it into our schedule. Other times we all out failed in our efforts, but we had to go back out there and try again with something different. Again, many moments we wanted to quit, but we pressed on in faith that our friends and the books we'd read knew what they were talking about. After what seemed like an eternity of daily tending to those fruit trees, we did finally get to enjoy the harvest of a job well done--the fruit of our labors and it was so worth it! That fruit was awesome!

It strikes me as to how similar this is to the parenting journey. We either have these children from the very beginning like when we are the one to put that fruit tree into the ground or we adopt them into our family, kind of like when we move into a house with fruit trees. We have no idea what kind they are, how long they've been there or what type of care they've received. No matter how they got to us, we pour our very heart and soul into them and then wonder every second along the way if we'll ever see any fruit of our labors. I don't know about you, but I doubt myself frequently. Here I am writing a parenting blog and I will tell you that I certainly have not "arrived". I struggle all the time as to whether I'm doing a good job or not. The fortunate part for me is that I am in a season of life where I am beginning to see the fruit of those labors and it helps squelch those doubts. It encourages me and gives me confidence to continue.

Just like with my fruit trees, I did not get to this season without hard work. I absolutely cannot stand it when someone sees my kids and then says, "Oh, you just lucked out. You got easy kids." I try to not get the wild-eyed look in my eyes and then I have to control my hands from strangling them. I want to respond, "Are you crazy? What you see before you is the result of hard work!" I have changed more dirty diapers than I can count. I have cleaned up barf, held chewed up gum in my hand, had to change my clothes after sticky hands touched me and given up many hours of sleep. I have given up stopping for Starbucks every time I leave my house because it's too darn much money. I have given up new clothes or shoes whenever the fancy strikes me (like I have time to shop anyway). My house is not perfectly decorated and it certainly never has everything put away in its place. I have given up the "right" to go wherever I want, whenever I want. I no longer have the privacy of going to the bathroom by myself. I have had to give up doing one thing at a time, like a prefer. I have had to learn how to multi-task. I have even had to give up brain space. Much of my brain power is spent on keeping track of 6 people--their schedules, their needs and their behaviors. I rarely get the chance to read for pleasure nor do I get much quiet time, which I crave. My "spare time" is spent in prayer for my children and husband, reading through God's word, networking with other moms or reading a parenting book seeking answers for how to better do my job--my very hard job of parenting. For a season of this journey, I even gave up my husband while he traveled on the road in order to provide so that I could be at home.

My list could go on--it's certainly not exhaustive, but I shall not keep it going since I know that as I've made my list of sacrifices, you've mentally made yours. My list is not unique, but I've made it to make a point. If I do not work hard and sacrifice, just like I did with my fruit trees, I will not see the fruit of my labors, whether it be with my trees or with my children. I cannot expect to sit back in my Lazy Boy chair, investing none of my time toward my family and think that in a few years they will turn out okay.

So are you doing the hard work it takes to experience the harvest of sweet fruit you want to see in your children? For some of you that answer might be no. Immediate gratification and personal pursuits might be where you are at. If that's you, please don't kid yourself into believing that you are going to reap a bountiful harvest. Nothing could be further from the truth. Based on the example of my fruit trees, chances are good that you will either not get any fruit at all, very little in size or fruit that is full of bugs and rotten. If you really take the time to think about it, I doubt that is what you truly want for your children. Let today be the day that you choose hard work so that your tree will become worth harvesting.

For those of you who are doing the hard work it takes to see the fruit, I write this to encourage you to press on, my Friend, because sometimes you might wonder if anything you are doing is making a difference, but I can promise that if you are doing the hard work, you will see the fruit of your labor and it is incredibly sweet! There really is nothing that compares.

A New Road

Well it's a new year and time for a new road. What road will you be on? It's resolution and goal setting time of the year. I'm sure there have been the popular ones like exercising more and quitting some habit, but have you done any thinking about your parenting? Have you thought about yourself as a parent and resolved to do anything different? What about your kids? Have you reviewed this last year and thought about some things you'd like to see changed in the lives of your kids and then set a goal to make that change happen?

Personally, as I've reflected on my parenting and what I'd like to see changed in the upcoming year, prayer is what surfaced to the top for me. Yes, I pray for my children, but I want to pray more. I want it to be more of a priority in my life. I want my prayers for them to be more specific.

On top of my personal goals to improve my prayer life for my children, I want to be more intentional about teaching my children about prayer--the importance and its power. This need for improvement in this area came to light for me in the last few months. As our adoption has picked up speed again and God has dropped a specific child in our lap, one of my closest girlfriends has exemplified to me what prayer should look like in the lives of me and my children. She has been a rock to me through this whole adoption and from the moment I told her about the possibility of this child, she and her children were on their knees for us as we prayed for God's direction. Did anyone catch that? It wasn't just my friend who was praying--it was her children alongside her. From day 1, my future daughter's picture has been on their refrigerator reminding them to pray and it has given me confidence each day, knowing that she and her 6 children have faithfully lifted us up in prayer.

Once I was able to get my head above water, since I'd been swimming in paperwork on top of our already very full life, I realized that I was lacking in that area. I was so swamped that I had not even gotten my own children involved in praying for their future sister! My friend and her children were being more faithful that we were! What a moment of conviction. That's when I knew my resolution for the new year. I knew that I would be on a new road of setting an example of how important prayer is.

Again I ask you, if you are "parenting with the future in mind", what changes will you be making this year in order to affect the future?

The Sweetness of Character

I was reading this article in the new Focus on the Family magazine. The basics of it was that we focus so much on what kids want to be when they grow up--their profession, not what type of person they will be. It really got me thinking and how I want to foster character, not the accomplished tasks in my children. I don't want to be focused solely on their accomplishments because the reality is that when we, as humans, grow up our job is not who we are. Sometimes we get confused because our job gets so intertwined with who we are that we forget that they are separate issues.

So as I pondered on this whole mindset today, my daughter showed me that I am already headed in the right direction. I just need to stay on track. Right beneath my nose, my daughter was displaying a bit of her character. You see, my husband and I will be celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary on Monday. My daughter caught wind of that and nonchalantly asked for my parents phone number. She snuck upstairs to her room with a phone and called in her grandparents for some help. She wanted to get to the Dollar Tree store by our house so that she could buy us a gift and needed a ride there. Let me remind you that previous to this year, my children have been pretty oblivious to our anniversary. I'm not even sure they knew what the word "anniversary" even meant.

She also nonchalantly asked what the cross streets were to the nearest Dollar Tree store. By now I was starting to catch on that something fishy was going on, but I decided to pretend my oblivion and see what she had up her sleeve. Both of my parents are teachers so since they are on vacation, they were able to stop what they were doing and jump onto my daughter's bandwagon. Off they went to buy us a priceless gift at the dollar store.

At this point I must ask, what in the world is my daughter going to buy for our anniversary at the dollar store that is priceless? Nothing, of course, but this whole escapade is without monetary value. My daughter wanted to express her love on behalf of herself and her brothers and took initiative to do something about it. It means the world to me that my daughter sees her parents marriage and wants to celebrate it.

My mom says that my daughter had something very specific in mind that she wanted to buy for us, but it was not available at the dollar store. Hmm...I wonder what that item was? For now I shall not know because that package full of love is sitting in our living room waiting to be opened on our anniversary. Honestly, I really don't want to open that package. My love tank is full just thinking about the sweet spirit of my daughter, but I will open it and celebrate whatever it is that she deemed worthy at the dollar store of bestowing upon her parents love for another. I will celebrate that I'm on the right road to making sure that my daughter is a woman of substance as she grows up, no matter what occupation her future holds.

Creative Imagination

I don't know what is about my Littlest One lately, but he seems to be the subject of many of my posts. He just cracks me up. I read in "The Birth Order Book" that the baby of the family is often the comedian. Well, he's holding true to his place in the birth order of our family. He's the family clown.

I can't remember anything in that book about the last born being ingenious or visionary, but he's also proving to be that too. Today his creative imagination was working overtime. You see, he really wanted to bob for apples today. I'm not really sure why, maybe it was on "Curious George" or something, but he had his mind set on bobbing for those apples no matter what it took. Keep in mind that it was cold--very cold to us Californians outside. It was about 40 degrees (okay, no laughing in the peanut gallery). It makes it even colder since my child decided to go out in the backyard with just one layer of clothes on and no shoes to rustle up some ideas about how he could bob for apples. I didn't catch on that all of this was going on until he wanted to know if he could run the water hose. Water, little clothing, no shoes and cold weather was a bad combination--I had to intervene.

My intervention was no match for my Littlest One and his apple bobbing goal. He was off to figure out how this activity could possibly take place inside the house. Next thing I knew, he was headed up the stairs with 3 Granny Smith apples in his hands and he'd decided that he needed a bath. At this point, I couldn't help but admire his creative imagination and determination to do what he'd set his mind to. Oh, I'm sure there's some germaphobic reason for why I should've said no to his apple bobbing in the bathtub, but hey...what the heck? You only live once. Sometimes I get so tired of being "The Great No Monster" so for today, I stepped out of his way, filled up the tub for him and let him go for it. What a moment--to enjoy sweet victory of an accomplished goal, no matter what the obstacles with my son--and the apple he shared with me wasn't half bad!

It's a new year...say "yes" to what you can and have fun with your kids. Oh--and don't forget to smile!