Who is in Charge Here?

Let me ask you a question. Who is in charge in your home? I'm not asking about who wears the pants in the family. I'm not asking about whether it's you or your husband. That's another post for another day. I'm asking...is it you or your children? I know your immediate reply will, of course, be that you are in charge because that's the way you are supposed to answer. It's kind of like telling someone that your children are a blessing because you know that is what you are supposed to say, but secretly (or maybe not so secretly) you can't wait for them to go back to school and be as far away from you as possible. Again, that would be another post sometime later. I'm not asking for your polite answer. I'm asking for your REAL answer. If you really dug down deep and took a look at what your words and your actions convey--who's in charge?

I ask this question because more and more as I listen to all the mom-talk around me, I increasingly hear moms who are afraid of their children. They are afraid to say "no." They are afraid to make their children obey. What is the fear from? Is it that we might damage their sensitive little hearts? Children are resilient, and trust me, they need you to say "no" so that they learn about boundaries.

Is the fear that they may not want to be our friend? Last time I checked, I like to hang out with people my age. I don't expect my children to be my friend--yet. I am their mother, not their friend. Friendship will come in time. Right now my job is to teach and train them how to do life and to do it successfully.

Maybe you think that your child does not understand what you are asking of them. Kids are way smarter way earlier than you think. At 10 months old, my children learned how to come when I called them. When your child looks back at you when you call their name and gets that "look" in their eye and bolts the other direction...they know exactly what you are asking of them.

Here's another one...do you give in to whatever your child wants because you are afraid they might throw a humongous tantrum and it might last a really long time? Hmm...well, you are right. They might do that and it might just be right in the middle of aisle 14. Wow, won't that be embarrassing. Wouldn't it be better to have them "put on their show" at home and to teach them that it's not okay in the privacy of your home? Home is your Training Ground, Mama. They are supposed to do those things at home so that you can teach them what is right and appropriate so that when you go into public they don't do those things! The middle of the store is not your Training Ground.

Here's another thought that piggy-backs onto my previous post. If you find that you are having a lot of problems with your child in public--maybe it is time to hunker down at home for awhile to get things under control. I say this because I've had to do it myself. There have been times that we have been so busy that I have not been home long enough to provide that Training Ground for them to work out their issues. That is when I have had to throw everything out the window and stay home and work with my children on what is acceptable behavior. My other commitments can wait. My children and their character, behavior and skills are more important.

So let me get back to that screaming 2-year-old that is pitching a major fit. Let me ask you again, who is in charge here? You, at 31 years-old (I'm making a guess) or the 2-year-old. In my home, IF that were to happen, let me be frank with you, we would no longer be on Training Ground...we would be on Battle Ground. You see, last time I checked I am the mom and that 2-year old is the child. I am older (not to mention bigger) and I am in charge. So that means that if I ask my child to do something, even something as simple as saying "please", they should do it. Remember, I'm the mom and I am in charge. So with those facts stated, it means that I should "win" on the Battle Ground, right? Why in the world would I ever give up The Battle Ground to a 2-year-old? Just because the 2-year-old is screaming really loud, getting red in the face and throwing themselves on the floor...they should win? Hmm...when I explain it this way it seems quite silly to me. A 2-year-old beating out a 31-year-old. Something is wrong with this picture, but yet I see it all the time.

Let me put it to you this way, fellow Mama. You are the Mommy and you should be in charge, so therefore, that means that you should "win." It doesn't matter how long your child can put on their "show." You are the adult and you can go longer. You must establish with your children early on that you are in charge and you will win no matter what they do (or not do). Stop being afraid of your children and stand up and be The Mom!! Do not give in and give them what they want. Give them the opposite of what they want! If they want to go outside--make them stay inside until they can be happy. If they want that toy, but pitch a fit to get it--don't give them that toy, but show them how you expect them to ask for it and have them try to do it correctly over and over again until they can do it right. Then give them the toy. If they are older, I might even be tempted to make them practice today, but lose the privilege of playing with it until tomorrow and remind them of how to ask for it tomorrow.

Just today, Daughter of Purpose was told that she could have a piece of candy after she took her nap. The agreement was that she needed to sleep and then she could have the candy. She did not sleep so she did not get her candy. She tried tears, the look of death and pestering to get her candy, but she did not get it, but I would bet that tomorrow at nap time she remembers and makes sure to sleep like I know she needs to.

All of this kind of reminds me of a little, tiny dog like a Chihuahua that is barking up a storm at a Great Dane thinking it will win the dog fight. Doesn't it make you just laugh to see that Chihuahua thinking it is bigger than it really is? It's an effort at intimidation. Children are exactly like that. They are attempting to intimidate us mommies to get their way! So why do we laugh at the Chihuahua, but yet cower in fear at our own children?

Now I can imagine that you might think, "Okay, so I need to win...I have other children. What do I do with them while I hold my ground on the Battle Ground?" Well, I'm certain they will find something to do while they wait for you to become available again. I have had times that I have had to ask my other children to please wait on their needs until I am done or to ask an older sibling to help them. You can also place them in your view somewhere to read books or play quietly. No harm in them waiting. You can rest assured that no matter what they find to do...they will be watching and listening to your response to the "Chihuahua" of the moment. They are also learning in this moment.

I can still clearly remember when Mr. Negotiator had his moment in the spotlight in the Battle Ground. When he was around a year old, he refused to say "please" for something he wanted. Very quickly it became clear to me that his refusal was not about saying "please." We were about to have a stand-off and I knew I was going to have to win because he was challenging my authority. Mr. Negotiator was tough as a little one, to say the least. He was stubborn as all get out and if he set his mind to something...he stuck to it. To make this very long story short--I stopped everything I was doing, dug in my heels and Mr. Negotiator could not leave the step he was sitting on until he did what I asked. I took a seat right next to him and waited. My other kids came and went. So did my husband. He came home from work and saw why dinner wasn't made and went to go get McDonald's (Mr. Negotiator's favorite) so that I could continue to stand my ground. When dinner arrived, we gave Mr. Negotiator another chance (we'd given him many by now) and he still refused even with the prospect of fries. So at this point, we put him in his crib while we ate dinner. Every few minutes we went into his room and gave him another chance. We even offered him some fries if he complied. No dice. So we waited and waited while we enjoyed our dinner. Eventually (who knows what made him give in) about 2 hours from the start of this incident, Mr. Negotiator gave up his imaginary throne and threw down his crown to The Mom and admitted defeat by signing the word "please." I'll be honest with you. I've never had to have that big of a moment with him again. He still remembers who is in charge in our home. It doesn't mean he's perfect and doesn't try to negotiate me out of my decisions or give me attitude every once in awhile, but he's never questioned my authority since then.

You may not be as lucky as me to only have one large battle. You may have to go head to head daily, but I encourage you to do the battle. Don't give up. You are The Mom. The white flag of defeat should come from the little child, not the big Mama. It may be tough now, but you will thank yourself later. I promise.

Every single one of my children has had a Battle Ground moment with me and I believe the reason they understand who is in charge in our home is because I have stood my ground and won. I believe that some day my children will thank me for showing that I cared enough to give them boundaries and guide them in the way they should go.

Now as to the last thing I can hear you questioning...time. Choose your battles wisely. When an issue comes to a head as you are heading out the door to take your children to school--that's not a good time. In public...that's not a good time either. See my previous post about making sure that you have enough time on your plate to deal with these issues. Don't make yourself so busy that you don't have time to do your primary job--to train your children. If you spend enough time at home, I'm positive your child will throw a tantrum. They are little sin balls. It's bound to happen! That is when you put down the laundry basket and get off of Facebook in order to train your child and to be exactly what God made you to be--The Mom (not the woosie one--the tough one that is in charge).

Dear Young Mama, I believe you can do it. You can take one day, maybe even one moment at a time and come out the winner. You can do what it takes to not live in fear of your child and their reaction to you standing firm on your decision. You can take back what you have lost and re-establish that you are the adult and you are in control of your home--not your child. If you want a guarantee--well, I can guarantee that your child will not like the new fearless Mama, but in time I promise there will be peace in your home again and it will be there for good.

Editor's note: I went back and re-read this. I promise it's not always Battle Ground in our home and no one smiles. Please note that all of this Battle Ground is balanced with a whole lotta fun in our home! In fact, sometimes we laugh through our training times together. When you stand up and be the mom, please make sure to hug and love on your kids in equal measure. Do your best to smile and laugh too!

Groundhog's Day

As I talked with a young mom this week, she asked me a couple questions about what I would do with her child as she held onto his screaming self by the wrist. She was frazzled to say the least. I certainly have been there and sometimes still am. As I explained to her what it was I would do, she made the comment that she was just so tired and that what I was explaining would take time and wouldn't be easy. I recognized the look on her face that said, "Right. Like I'm really going to stop everything I'm doing to teach that to my son. I don't have time for that. I have dishes to do, laundry to fold, meals to make, errands to run and children to pick up and drop off."

Well yes, young mother, it does take time to train your children. No one said it would be easy (if they did, they were lying to you). There are no instant fixes in parenthood. I know it's not easy to make the investment of time to stop and teach your child something they need to learn, but my perspective is that the training of character and skills in my children is the most important thing I do each day. Stopping everything I'm doing to train my children is more important than getting dinner done on time or making sure my house is spotless. And it is most definitely more important than talking on the phone to my friend or responding to e-mail. It's even more important than my sleep.

Time and entitlement can be our enemy as we raise our children. Having the time to train my children is exactly the reason I pulled everything off my plate this year so that I wouldn't be wrestling with running out the door when what I really needed to do was stop and train my child right on the spot. Time is exactly what I need to teach my children what is right. I wrestled with this same issue just today because I had already given what I felt was enough time to my daughter and I felt I was entitled to some time to chat with some moms and she was cutting into that time. Now there is nothing wrong with chatting with my girlfriends, but that chat time was trumping what my daughter truly needed in that moment.

As Daughter of Purpose is feeling more comfortable with us and her English is coming along, her real personality is coming out now. What everyone else sees is a happy-go-lucky little girl with a smile for everyone. What I am confronted with every day is a little girl that was the oldest and much loved little girl of the orphanage. As I have witnessed time and again, she is the master of manipulation whether it's the puppy-dog eyes, the comedy routine, the sassy attitude or the tears...I'm pretty sure she got whatever she wanted while there. She believes the world revolves around her (not unlike many children). It has now become my job to teach her that the world, in fact, does NOT revolve around her. I am here to teach her a whole list of things. The biggest one right now is that there are boundaries. Being funny is okay, but there is a time and place for it. Talking until the ears of her family bleed is not exactly acceptable either. There is a time and a place for talking and when you talk, there are different volumes for talking. Wandering around the house and provoking her brothers and sisters is not a winner of an idea either.

I am exhausted today. I feel like I spent a very large part of my day training my 4-year-old as to what is acceptable and what is not. My daughter's need to be trained was relentless. I found myself tired and wanting to give up--not wanting to care anymore. I thought about "leaving her to the wolves", but as I got up from my seat to correct her behavior for what seemed the millionth time I remembered that conversation I had with that young mom earlier this week. I have had that conversation with many moms and I knew it was time to practice what I preach. I knew I needed to stop being frustrated with the amount of time she was sucking from me. Instead, I needed to stop grumbling about what I wanted to be doing and she was stopping me from. I realized that whether I liked it or not, it was obvious she was in need of my constant correction and I needed to do what needed to be done. My avoidance of training her incorrect behavior was only making my life more miserable.

Time after time I have heard these struggles from mom after mom (and this list is certainly not exhaustive):

"I just want them to obey."
"I want them to stay in bed until 7:00 am."
"He screams his head off in Target."
"I want my kids to help around the house."
"I want her to come when I call her."
"He shouldn't talk to me that way."
"Why can't they just share?"

I hate to say it, dear mama, but my answer is the same to every single struggle. Maybe it's really a question. Have you done what it takes to train your children to do what you want them to do? Have you taken the time? Have you taken the time to teach them how to come when you call them? Have you given up your morning of sleep to make sure that your children understand that they are to stay in bed until 7:00 am? Have you made sure your children understand that they are not to speak to you that way and taken the time to make them practice it over and over again until they DO speak to you correctly? Have you taken the time to show your children how to do helpful things around the house?

I would be remiss if I did not also address this question...have you done these things for more than one day? The life of a mother is kind of like the movie "Groundhog's Day." You cannot train your children in one day. It will take every day over and over again. The initial teaching will take practice and consistency for at least a week, if not more--until you see that your children are different because of what you have taught them. That is laying the ground work, but trust me, you will have to re-visit whatever you are teaching again. It is the nature of life. Even we as adults do the same thing. Imagine what God thinks of us?

I know it is hard work. I know it takes time, but think of it this way. If you put in the hard work now, you will have it easier in the long run. Here's an example in my house. I laid the groundwork early on that my children were expected to come when I called them. Now it doesn't even occur to them to NOT come. It is their habit. When they hear my voice calling them--they come. It didn't happen over night. It took practice, practice, practice!

With Daughter of Purpose in our home, I now have new ground to break. I also have to swallow the same medicine that you do. My kids were getting older and I had laid that foundation...I was done with this phase of life. Now I am right back there and it is hard! I want the same things as you. I want her to "just obey." I want her to get rid of the attitude and to stop antagonizing her siblings. I want her to stop being so naughty! But I too have to ask myself the question...have I done the hard work? Have I taken the time to teach her?

For now, I've got a heap of work to do. I am tired and do not really want to do what must be done. I just want her to fall into line in our home. Well I have to say to myself, "It ain't gonna happen that way." I have a choice to make each day. Will I take the shorter, convenient road that will produce long-term, continual misery and bitterness toward my child or will I take the harder road right here and now, but will be able to rest and enjoy my child in just a little bit? What I want to do and what I need to do are two different things. Which one will I choose? Which one will you choose?

Help Around the House

When I spoke with my friends at MOPS, many people wanted some ideas for things that kids can do around the house to help. I have posted this before at this link: http://mommymap.blogspot.com/2007/10/job-listings.html


However, the dynamics of my family has changed slightly since then so there are a few more things they help out with. The things my kids do are interchangeable, except for Daughter of Purpose who is 4 years old. Her jobs each day are to tidy the shoe basket by the front door, take out the recycling, and feed the cats. Here are the additional things we've added:


Help with dishes after dinner
Clear the table and wipe it after dinner
Laundry helper (this is the person I rely on to keep the laundry moving and take it upstairs for me to fold--they also help put it away)
Unload the dishwasher

None of these things did my children learn on their own. I had to take the time to work alongside them until they could manage it on their own. Yes, it took time, but it was worth the long-term pay off. Everyone now has something that they do to contribute to the family.

Hope this helps to get you jump started or to encourage you that you are on the right path!

Missing the Point

Our newest addition to our family, Daughter of Purpose, is named such because she seems to be the most content in life when she is doing something that has purpose--something that contributes to our family. Typically, her jobs (or chores) each day are to make sure the shoe basket by the front door is tidy and to take out the recycling. I've noticed that she's ready for something more, but just hadn't gotten to thinking through what she could do. I guess she got tired of waiting for me because recently, all on her own initiative, it seems she found her new purpose in life is to feed the cats.

Did I say she really likes to feed the cats? I mean really, really likes to feed the cats. She's a little obsessive about feeding the cats actually. About once per hour she goes outside and feeds the cats. She gives them food and makes sure to give them water. Every time she does this, however, she fills up the current bowls and then comes inside and gets another food and water bowl and fills those up too. It's quite a sight--bowl after bowl of food and water lined up for the cats.

What I found interesting about all of this as I observed this sight one day while I was outside was that while Daughter of Purpose was taking care of the cats food and water, one of the cats itself was there and ignoring the bowls. It was rubbing up against her constantly and practically tripping her while she did her work, begging to be petted. Yet, she did not waiver in taking care of the physical needs of the cats.

It hit me as I watched that this is so like as us moms. Isn't it like us to be continually focused on the task of meeting the physical needs of our children--doing laundry, making meals, helping with homework--yet their emotional needs go unnoticed? Sometimes our children are so obviously needing us to throw the physical needs out the window and just focus on their little face yet we can't see it because we're so focused on the job at hand. Just like Daughter of Purpose was oblivious to the fact that the cat could care less about the food and water.

Sometimes only the outsider will notice the most obvious things. Maybe it wouldn't hurt for us to take a step back from our lives every once in a while and see if we can catch a glimpse of what is really going on in our home. Maybe you can do this on your own, but for true growth as a Mommy, don't be afraid to ask a friend if you have any blind spots that you are missing. It may not be easy to hear what your friend is seeing, but I believe a true friend would tell you the truth even if it hurts. Don't be offended. Take it in stride and learn something from it.

As I made this observation about the cats, I tried to show Daughter of Purpose and show her what I saw. The problem is that she didn't see it. Just like the cat has more needs than just food and water, so do your children. Don't worry--I'm learning it too.

As Daughter of Purpose has recently joined our family, it has hit me straight on that I was doing the same thing to her. I was giving her a family, making sure there would always be food provided, showing her that there are plenty of clothes to wear, providing a warm bed to sleep in and even throwing in a hug here and there. But what I realized was that those things were nice, but they weren't what she really needed. What she really needed was beyond a care taker. She needed a mom. On a daily basis, she needs me to engage with her emotionally, physically and to get to know her. It's strange to be raising a child that I did not birth. Someone that I missed 4 years of her life. At times I feel overwhelmed with how much I know her, but yet how much she is still a stranger to me.

At this point, I think she knows her physical needs will be met. Now it's time for me to engage in being her mommy--the one who knows her best and loves her just as she is. As I begin to uncover the treasure God has given me, I encourage you to do the same. It doesn't matter whether you've known them since birth or not there's always a nugget in each day of discovery with our children. It's just a matter of where our focus will lie. Will we be bogged down by the tasks of the adventure or in the delight in the discovery of true treasure?