The Mommy Map

Enough

2012-01-18T15:47:00.000-08:00

We recently went on a short overnight trip. This trip was made with much trepidation as we were not sure how our Hidden Treasure would fare in this unfamiliar environment. If it was to be anything like those hotel nights in Eastern Europe or the first few months here at home...well, it was gonna be rough.

As bedtime drew near, I laid out her familiar items and readied her for bed. I knew that darkness in an unfamiliar environment was ahead, but she didn't. I hated that I had no way to prepare her for what lay ahead.

She took my hand and trusted me as I led her to her little palate filled with comfort items. As she lay there in the dark, staring around at whatever her eyes could make out, I could see her struggling with this dark, new place. I sat by her side silently asking her to trust me and relax enough to feel safe no matter what. This was big and I knew it was hard. Her internal wrestling match was almost tangible.

Slowly, I began to see which way the tide was turning. Her body began to relax as she fell into slumber...and she slept through the whole night. I realized then that we were enough. We are finally at a place where we were enough to make her feel safe no matter the environment.

Watching her, it struck me how it can be like that for us. Sometimes God leads us into dark, unfamiliar places and quietly sits by our side asking us to trust Him enough to relax because He can see the bigger picture. No matter how little we can see, how strange the noises sound or how scared we are...He's asking us to trust that He is enough.

Textures

2012-01-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

Our Hidden Treasure seems to have this thing about textures. From the food she eats, to the blankets she will not allow to cover her to the funniest things that bring her immense pleasure. From the very get-go she has been taken with cheap, plastic bead necklaces and bracelets--the more the better. Then it was the bright green scarf made from something similar to Fun Fur. And then the hair on people's heads...I won't even go any further with that one because it's so weird. But then came Christmas and she discovered garland. She still finds remains of it around the house, lifts up her shirt and rubs it on her belly.

Now she's found something new to delight her tactile senses. Can you guess what it is?

Toes

2012-01-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

I have to admit it. I am the kind of person that either has to do something 100% or not at all. So...I haven't been doing this blog at all. With a homeschooling family of eight adjusting to a new size, I find our life so full that I don't have the time to sit and write out long thoughts. Instead, what I can do is share our highlights here and there. Typically, I share them on social networking when I can get to it because it only requires me to type out 140 characters and possibly include a photo...and I can do it from my iPhone (sometimes while I'm in the only quiet place in the house...you know the one) anywhere and at any hour. But some people miss out...and they are random...and they are not all in one place...and I feel guilty for never quite spending time here.

In one of my few moments of quiet the other day, I read my friend, Love's blog and was inspired by what she had to say. Maybe, just maybe, she had a solution to my dilemma.

i think it's really crucial to remember that, for the most part, i'm showing you my

highlight reel. don't get me wrong, i long to be honest and even vulnerable here,

but the reason that i started this space was to remember how precious our moments

are. so, just because the majority of them are sweet and loving and clean and styled--

make no mistake. i am human. we are human. there is mess--the literal & figurative kind.

The highlighted part jumped out at me. For this season of my life, I can either record something or nothing. For right now, I need a place in which I can record the gifts or "the highlight reel"--as she calls it--in our family life. Maybe I can't sit down and write at length like I once could, but for now this place can be what I need it to be. I wonder if simple might even be better.

_____________________________________________

Today was full of old memories and making new ones.

My grandmother passed away recently and after her memorial, we spent some time at the very same beach that I walked along with her many a time. Whenever we would visit her, we would always take a walk along the beach and collect sea shells. As I dipped my toes in the chilly water, played in the sand and walked along collecting shells in the warm sunshine, my memories with her began walking alongside new ones as our Hidden Treasure placed her little Russian toes into the Pacific Ocean for the very first time.

Her little piggy toes scrunching up, feeling the texture of wet sand and water running between her toes.
Her reckless abandon as she ran at full speed, unencumbered up and down the beach, feeling the wind in her hair.
Tentative at first, but fear giving away to joy as she took in the fullness of His creation.

I didn't plan this trip to the beach to be so significant, but He did. He knew just what I needed today. He knew I needed something new.

I'm thinking I'm gonna go with this newness here. I won't feel overwhelmed at all I have not shared in the past few months, but instead just start afresh from right here, right now.

Alive

2011-11-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have noticed that I have not updated the blog since we've been home...we are still alive. Our Hidden Treasure is doing well, but it has been a looooooong first few weeks together as her transition has been...normal. Her transition has been different and harder than DOP, but yet it is more in line with what is normal. It has been like having a baby again, having to go backward in many ways, but yet we are finally in a place of goodness. A place where we are not dragging through each day because we are tired from being up all night. A place of seeing her eat like a toddler and not a baby. A place of blooming.

Give me just a bit more time and I will hopefully have my brain back so this blog can reach higher on my list of things to do and share with you our journey over the last few weeks. Our Hidden Treasure has been a light in a dark time. I have journaled the gift after gift we see through her. I will share it soon...

Dear family and friends- a note about attachment. PLEASE READ.

2011-09-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Family and Friends,

We are so thrilled to finally bring home our Hidden Treasure home and we know you are rejoicing with us.

As we have prepared for the arrival of her, we have learned that while decorating her room and stocking up on toddler essentials is important, even more important is the emotional health of our new toddler. In her short life, our daughter has gone through more changes and life altering experiences than most adults could handle. Imagine how much harder the changes are for her at her young age. While she may not consciously remember the events, she still has experienced immense loss, including feelings of grief and trauma. She's already experienced the loss of a birthmother, and more recently the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, sounds, routines and language of her birth country. Her world has been turned upside down. She struggles with feeling safe and secure and she lacks the ability to trust that we will meet her needs. We have done immense preparation for this--to meet our Hidden Treasure’s emotional needs so that she does learn that we will always take care of her and we will always keep her safe.

We need your support. In order to form a strong and healthy attachment we will allow her to regress so that she has the opportunity to go through all of the emotional stages with us despite her chronological age. At this point, she is 3 years old, but functioning at 18 months of age. Although it may appear that we are spoiling her, we have learned from research and experience that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently. Until she has learned that we are her parents, we will need to be her primary caretakers at all times. It is essential that we always hold her, feed her, and do all of the nurturing. So please don’t be offended when we ask you not to pick her up or feed her. She needs to learn who her family is and is not. She needs to learn boundaries. She needs to learn that every person in the room is not Mama.

You may wonder how long this will take, but the timeline is different for every child. We will follow our daughter’s lead and trust our instincts as her parents rather than worry about what society expects.

We have all been waiting anxiously for our Hidden Treasure to arrive and we know you have too, but she has not been waiting for us. She is already showing her grief and confusion in many ways and we are helping her through it, proving to her that we are a forever family and this truly is her last stop. Prayer, patience and perseverance are our friends. We trust that as our family and friends you will help us to do what is best for our daughter, praying for us and her. We thank you in advance for your support and understanding. We love you all so much.

Love,
The Mommy Map Family

***If you are interested in reading more about attachment in adoption and how you can be supportive to us and other adoptive families you know, go to A4everfamily.org

Happy Birthday!

2011-08-26T03:30:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 3rd birthday of our Hidden Treasure. That was one thing that I prayed...that God would allow us to have her in our custody before her birthday. He answered that by allowing us to slide in just in time! What a way to celebrate her birthday--by having a family! Isn't God cool like that?

We've spent the day exploring the Moscow Zoo. It has been nice to have something close and fun to do with her for the day. We are pretty much waiting on our Embassy appointment on Monday so filling in the next few days with a toddler is interesting, to say the least!

The Moscow Zoo is interesting in itself. On the main street loop, it has a discreet gate to enter, but as we discovered there is quite a large zoo hidden behind the big city buildings. We were surprised at how large their displays are and how far it spreads. It's a strange thing to taking the sights of zoo, giraffes in your immediate field of vision, but towering apartment buildings framing the background.

We've deliberated back and forth as to what to name her--her pseudo name for blog. Just as we view her as a treasure that we have sought after with hidden things left to discover, our thoughts are mirrored in Matthew 13: 44:

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."

Happy Gotcha Day!

2011-08-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

Today was the big day--Gotcha Day! We brought our daughter home from the orphanage this morning and now she resides with us in the hotel while we finish up paperwork with the Embassy. Here are a few fun photos from today. The bottom one was the smile we caught when I bent down to her level and she could see my face. That is when her face lit up! Sorry so short. We are very tired after listening to her scream her head off at naptime. She is tired and we are tired. Hoping that we don't repeat that scene for bedtime, but yet we know and understand that it's a very real possibility. Everything from surroundings, to sights, sounds, smells, voices, routines, foods, etc have all changed for her in one day. She's a bit overwhelmed! Can't really blame her, I would be too! Say a little prayer for us as she adjusts to everything new and that we get some rest. Tomorrow we meet with the Embassy doctor and then head off for a trip to the zoo.

Court Completed

2011-08-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

This is a bit delayed, but court has been completed! We are officially her parents!

While in-country, our facilitator prepared us for court by letting us know the questions we would be asked and also making sure we understood that the hard work had already been done, court was merely a formality. The judge had already scoured our information and this proceeding was simply for her to hear our answers from our own mouths. I had heard rumors that this might be true, but honestly, I wasn't ready to believe it until I experienced it myself.

Well, to my relief, the rumors were true. We had a great time in the hallway as we waited with the orphanage director, who is a very laid-back jovial kind of guy, the social worker and our facilitator. Even though the faces of the prosecutor and the judge were stoic, they also brought humor to the proceedings. The prosecutor had no added questions and the judge scrolled through pictures we'd brought while she listened to our answers. The judge asked my man to state our anniversary date--if he could remember. That lightened the mood. They also wanted to know what foods we liked and served in our home from her culture. When he shared our love for Borscht, Podliva and Kasha, they were delighted and it brought smiles all around.

From start to finish (including time for the judge to go into her chambers to "think about it") our court proceedings were a total of 25 minutes! Can you believe that?

Only God.

Sweet Reward

2011-08-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

After many weeks apart, we received our sweet reward today. Our daughter was beyond excited that we were here to visit again. Even a few of the other kids in her groupa identified us as our daughter's mama and papa.

As you head off to bed, we've begun a new day. This is the day in which we will have our court proceedings to adopt her. We're going to go visit her another time this morning and at 3:00 pm to be exact--we'll have court! Her country is 11 hours ahead of PST. Now that we are in country, we've been assured that this is a formality so we have nothing to worry about, but as you drift off to sleep, lift us up in prayer. We're counting on you!

Preparing for Court

2011-08-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

Laundry is running its cycle, clean clothes are being folded, suitcases are being pulled out and Russian phrases are playing in the background--evidence that in less than a week we will be in Eastern Europe standing in court on behalf of her. Some months go really fast and some go painfully slow. July was a slow one, but August is finally here and we are all that much closer to bringing her home!

Our court date is August 9, but since her country is 11 hours ahead, mark your calendars to pray for us when you go to bed on August 8. While you are sleeping, we will be grilled! Our court experience with DOP was exactly that...we were grilled. It was long and it was hard. We even had to provide additional documents from across the ocean and go back a second time. It was brutal. To be honest, I don't care to repeat that experience. Well, who in their right mind would?!

God has moved mountains for her and I do not doubt that He will continue, but please do not take your part in prayer lightly. We are relying on you to pray us through. I would love to think that because everything else has been easy-ish that court will be too, but I also realize that we asked for the court to make an exception for us so we could adopt her, despite our family size, and I expect that they will ask us to defend our reasons. They will want to know exactly why we think we are the absolute best family for her. Standing in a foreign court before a foreign judge and prosecutor is no easy feat. It's intimidating to say the least. Enough to make me quiver in my boots if I didn't have the God of the universe on my side.

It probably wouldn't even hurt to start praying now. Pray for the judge and prosecutor. Pray for us. Pray for our translator/coordinator. Pray for her as we visit her briefly, but leave her for another 2 weeks. Pray for our travel to go smoothly. Pray for our health (ours and our kids). And pray for me as I pack a family of seven to go a million different directions.

Back to that packing thing...

Hey! Psst....

2011-07-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

Hey! Psst............

I just became a contributor over here! Come take a look!

Doing YOUR Part

2011-07-27T16:03:00.000-07:00

As I have had this opportunity to write out His story through her story, I have had a front seat view of the hands and feet of Jesus.

This past weekend, we had some pretty incredible people come together and give what they could to multiply the effect by working together, leading to some astounding results. We are fully funded. Our friends, family and church community surrounded us with their loaves and fishes to help us bring our daughter home. I was overwhelmed with the love poured out on us as we hosted a Silent Auction with an authentic Russian dinner as a fundraiser.

As I stood there, gazing out over the crowded room full of the village who will raise her, my heart was full. I reflected, that we are all called to look after the orphan and widow, but most people don't know how. Not all are able to actually adopt, but with creativity, we can all play a part. That was mirrored in the room that night.

To help you see that you, even YOU, can join in, let me share with you some of the ways that I have seen His hands and feet over the past few months.

I saw His hands in the one who used her photography skills to take our family pictures so that we could have quality pictures for our dossier and a family book for her.

I saw Him in the hands and feet of the young married couple (who we adore) that offered their time to babysit for us free of charge whenever we needed to get adoption related things done. Time for paperwork, errands, and even driving with me to the Secretary of State so I had company to drive 6 hours in one day.

I have watched time and again as His hands have worked through a godly woman giving of her time and skills to notarize our documents for free, even if she had to travel to do so.

I have seen His feet through those who have offered to take our documents to our state capital to the Secretary of State for apostille, simply because they'd be in the area. These weren't even people we knew. They were fellow adoptive families that just understand that it's not easy to run up and back to the SOS--a 3 hour drive both ways--at the drop of a hat. Often times these documents are time-sensitive and having people with a simple willingness is a burden lifted.

I have seen His whole body through those who have done nothing more than the powerful work of prayer. They have graciously received texts and emails in urgent moments and prayed us all the way through each situation that has risen. They are the ones who stood side by side with me and watched as mountains moved, standing in awe at the work of His hands. I wish I could list each one of them, but they each quietly do their part and wish for no recognition.

His hands and feet have been evident in those who have cared (and still will over the next few weeks) for my children back here at home. The part that has blessed me the most through it all is that they have each willingly given of their time and with a great attitude. They have never made me feel like my children are a burden. Some of them even came to me and asked if they could bless me in this way--I didn't have to to ask them first.

I have seen His hands and feet through those who have generously given us their hand-me-downs and even worked at gathering her clothes from multiple sources to make sure she is clothed.

I have seen Him in my parents who have selflessly, daily collected our mail, taken in garbage cans, watered our garden and fed our pets while we travel. They have managed the "master child care plan" for me while I am in EE--making sure that each of my children get where they need to go and filling in when needed.

He's been seen in the simple hands of the dental hygienist who only sees me 2x per year. She gave me an almost full box of diapers from Costco that she no longer needs.

I have seen His whole church body rise up as financial and tangible items were donated for our Silent Auction and Dinner. We had over 50 items and had to start turning people away because we didn't have enough room for such outpouring!

I saw His hands in the woman who I barely know that gathered over 20 matryoshka dolls for the decorations at our Silent Auction and Dinner. And I can't forget those additional individuals who lent their matryoshka dolls for the evening.

His hands and feet were seen in the couple who rallied their family and friends from EE to download Russian music, help with the Olivier salad and to bend over backwards to get us a Russian flag for our fundraiser.

I saw His hands in the group of Eastern European and non-Eastern European women alike who selflessly cut, chopped, diced, sliced, cooked, peeled, shopped more than once for non-rotten cabbage, and consulted on authentic method and flavor to serve up the most amazingly delicious Olivier Salad, Borcht, Podliva and Kasha.

I saw Him in the one who shopped for me last minute when I nearly lost my mind over all that needed to be accomplished on the day of our Silent Auction and Dinner.

His hands were seen in the those (all left-handed, at that) that painstakingly sat around tables cutting out matryoshka doll crafts for the kids to make at our Silent Auction and Dinner.

Hands that look like mine have been seen making lemonade and selling it to neighbors, buying items at the Silent Auction with their own money, setting tables and serving up food at our fundraiser, helping to move bedrooms around, washing sheets, making her bed, folding her clothes and picking out toys.

His hands and feet were evident in the two adoptive couples who came alongside us and took the Silent Auction portion out of our hands and put on an amazing silent auction!

I have seen His hands in the evidence of the St. Basil's Cathedral cake that was intricately woven together by a Master Baker. That cake alone brought in $700 from our dessert auction.

Every single dessert made was a showing of His hands as each person, even some people we didn't know, who took the time to bake and donate to our dessert auction. On the day of the auction, desserts kept pouring in, many we didn't even know about until they showed up!

His hand and feet were seen in those that gave of their financial resources to cover the cost of the food at the Silent Auction and Dinner.

I saw His hands in the baristas who gave up their night to serve specialty coffee for our Silent Auction and Dinner. Two of those baristas went above and beyond, staying late into the night doing dishes after the event.

His feet were clearly seen in those people who offered to pick up whatever I needed while they were at the store so I did not have to go out another time for more forgotten items before travel.

Hands, feet and maybe even a bit of His ear stuck to the phone has been seen through the husband of the couple who has tirelessly worked to use vouchers and air miles to cover our remaining airline flights.

His hands and feet were evidenced in the Prayer Warrior who advocated for our daughter to find her family and then continued to give people tangible ways to pray and give of their resources.

I have seen His hands in the meal preparation of those who made us a meal in the last hours before we traveled so I could focus on packing. For that matter, I saw His hands in those who blessed us with meals upon our arrival home after we brought home Daughter of Purpose. Often times, adoptive families get overlooked in this area. Those who birth their biological babies are showered with meals, but generally, people neglect to realize that a big transition is also in order for an adoptive family, no matter the age of the child. A simple meal would go a million miles no matter where the new child comes from.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

James 1:27 (emphasis mine)

Looking across that room, was like a billboard of advertisement that we can all play our part in James 1:27, even if it's just showing up. Some of those people that filled the room were unknown to us, but they came. Some shopped the auction and maybe some did nothing more than just pay the $10 to eat the meal, but they came. Their presence showed us their support of us, but more than anything, they showed their support of adoption. Every person in that room (and even those who couldn't make it but sent donations) was playing their part in James 1:27.

How about YOU? I truly believe that every single person can be a part of looking after the orphan if they just get creative. What skills do you have or what time can you give to an adoptive family? The things I've listed above are certainly not exhaustive, but I bet you can find yourself in at least one of those things and play YOUR part.

Her Shoes

2011-06-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

These little pink, shiny shoes make me ridiculously excited. Especially because Littlest One noticed that these pink, shiny shoes that I couldn't pass up for her are the exact same size as these shoes!

Anyone remember their significance?

Loaves and Fishes

2011-06-29T18:01:00.000-07:00

Before I begin this post, I need to be clear with you. We traveled to EE on the second part of our trip with Children's Hope Chest. What I need to clarify for you is that Children's Hope Chest is NOT an adoption agency in any way shape or form. There were two parts to our time in EE and they were not connected in any way. God just planned the timing perfectly for us to visit our daughter on some extras days allowed to us with our visa. So we went to EE ahead of our team for a completely different purpose.

As I shifted my focus from one purpose to another, I had grand intentions of writing about the vision part of my trip each day. What I didn't plan for was the sketchy wireless the further we got out of the capital city and for the mental exhaustion that would overtake me at the end of each day.

As I went through each day of exploring the culture, meeting new people, tracking in two languages and interviewing on camera and interviewing again, one thought continued to permeate my thoughts--every pair of eyes has a story that lies behind it. I only wished I had more time to discover them all.

We were on this trip for a purpose and to be honest, thinking back even to a few years ago, I never would've imagined I'd be on this trip. I clearly remember the prayer I offered up to God. I said, "God, I get it. I see what you want me to see. I see the fate of the orphans that age-out and it breaks my heart like it does Yours. Yet, I'm just a simple, homeschooling mom of five living in a little ol' town over here in America. What I can't see is how you'd use me to make any kind of difference, but I'm open.

I'm willing to offer my little so that You can make more.

You've just gotta show me, lead me, cause I'm kinda dense."

Just like the loaves and the fishes in John 6, He did (and is still doing) just that. He took my meager offering and is using it to impact the lives of orphans in EE. It didn't happen over night. It took many years of prayer and keeping my eyes open, learning as I went along and more importantly following where He led and when. Never have I felt qualified, nor have I thought I was ready for His timing. Remember, I'm just a simple mom who doesn't want to waste the one life she's been given. I want to live it passionately and hard.

I first learned of Children's Hope Chest by reading the book by Tom Davis called, "Fields of the Fatherless." Life changing. At the time I admired what they did, but certainly didn't think I'd be traveling with them on a vision trip some day. I watched their ministry over the years and wished our family could partner with them by a sponsorship or something of the like. However, we were in a lot of debt so we couldn't. I continued to watch, learn and pray. It took us years of hard work, but we finally became debt free and do you know what I wanted as a reward? All I wanted was to begin sponsoring a child through CHC!

About the time we were able to begin sponsorship, my mind was overflowing with knowledge about trafficking and I prayed God would allow little ol' me to do something with it. As God would have it, some pieces fell together that allowed me, my husband and another couple to partner together and present a potential trafficking project to our Mission Committee.

One of the things I love about our church is that every February we stop everything and focus on a particular mission project. We don't just do one Sunday. We are immersed in this project for a whole entire month. We then aim to send teams to as follow-up during the summer (and sometimes for years afterward). From babies to the older population, we are all on the same page and we dig deep into the project, people and culture.

Before that project can happen, a team goes the previous spring to scope things out. It's not a lot of time, but it is a full trip. It is full of interviewing, videoing, picture taking, feeling out the culture and building relationship. Although our focus will be the prevention of sex trafficking, we certainly weren't there to do any rescue, nor will our teams be doing that!

Did you know that only 1% of sex trafficking victims are rescued and restored?

What then shall we do in response to this? Yes, continue rescue and restore, but prevention is the larger answer. That's what I love about Children's Hope Chest. They are on the front-lines of prevention in many countries, but they have been doing it and have proven themselves in EE. They are making a difference. In one region alone, they have seen significant decrease of alcoholism, drug use and crime. They have seen an increase in college enrollment. The one statistic that absolutely grabs my heart is this:

It is a fact that orphans create more orphans.

It is a vicious cycle that continues to repeat without intervention from ministries like CHC. In the region mentioned above, child abandonment decreased from 30% to 1%. Absolutely astounding. What made the difference?

The region mentioned above has had a church partner and invest in it for the past 15 years. Year after year a church has made the commitment to come back, building relationship by doing simple things like day camps, construction projects and teaching skills classes. Many of the orphans who age-out have no idea how to budget, cook a meal or live a healthy life style. They need someone to come alongside and build into their lives.

Children's Hope Chest works in five regions and in February 2012, our church will become the sponsoring church in another one of their regions. Simple people being willing to do simple things that make the difference in the life of orphan after orphan. Every life that is invested in, is one less that ends up in trafficking.

As I sat in the room full of orphan graduates, looking into face after face, I began to see the beauty of just being willing. I began to think of the multiplication of the loaves and fishes. I'm just a simple homeschooling mom of five living in a little ol' town that offered my loaves and fishes. He took it and partnered it with 3 other people who then partnered it with a Mission Committee who will then partner it with a church of 1500. Imagine the amount of prevention and dent we can make in the trafficking world by simply being willing.

Wishing

2011-06-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

I am wishing I had time to write. Although we do a lot of walking, I am not physically exhausted. At the end of our very full days I am mentally exhausted, falling into bed as soon as we get into our hotel room. Thinking in English, but trying to follow the Russian being spoken around me all day is part of it, but being here and taking in the sights, the people, the situation is leaving my brain at full capacity. Every face has a story.

I think the best thing I can do for now, while I take in all that I can and until I can get to a place of being able to write out what is in my mind and heart, I will leave you with something to read. About five years ago, God began showing me His heart for the orphan, but the deeper I got in, the more He began to show me more than I cared to know about what can happen to those orphans who "age out." Many times I was overwhelmed and felt helpless to do anything about it as He unleashed, not just a water hose of information, but fire hose.

I'll never forget the day I read this post. It was the beginning of a turning point for me.

The Sex Cafe

Hearts Connected

2011-06-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

As we walked along the paths to the play yard, in search of our daughter, it was never far from our minds that this was our last day with her. Her groupa was already headed outside, but once we caught up with them and called her name, a moment unfolded that I hope to never forget.

We called her name, she turned, spotted us and her face lit up like the sun itself. Her whole entire countenance changed as she began running toward us. As soon as I saw her face shining, I got down on her level and received her into my embrace. My heart was full.

Our play time together was just like any other day, but we were treasuring every moment. I felt like Mary in Luke 2:19:

“But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

As we played, it was clear she had learned over the days to anticipate our every move. She would get to the top of the slide and wait, slightly lifting her arms, expecting one of us to come up behind her, slipping our arms under hers, enfold her into our embrace, count to three in Russian and then slide down in glee.

When we would begin to climb the stairs, one of her hands used the rail, the other stuck out in anticipation of the filling with our bigger, stronger one to help her up.

She would sit on the swing side-ways and quietly listened as I told her of her new family and sung to her. Sometimes she’d enter her own musical humming alongside mine, usually clinging to a flower her Daddy had given. As she would relax, she’d forget to hold onto the swing and we’d have to quickly catch her and start the whole process over again!

Sitting down to eat our daily banana treat, she would shove the whole piece in and patiently wait for the next one. I had to learn to make the sizes smaller so she didn’t choke. Once the banana had quickly reached its end, she would then begin to explore Mommy’s purse for activities I’d brought. Stickers seemed to be her favorite. She learned quickly from her Daddy the game of putting them all over her body. Eventually they found their way to the paper!

All too soon, her groupa was on their way back in for lunch and had come to collect our daughter. As she realized what was happening, she began to flail and cry, trying to get down from my arms. Yet as soon as I’d set her down and attempt to take her hand, she would begin to run away back to the playground. She didn’t want our time to end anymore than we did. I finally caught her back up into my arms and whispered comforting words in Russian to her as tears began to fall down my own face. This was heart-wrenching! This was so hard!

As we reached her room, we each gave her one last hug. I told her all of the things in English that I had been speaking over her all week. I reminded her that we would be back for her. We double checked that her caregivers would continue to read her family book to her each day. And then she silently assimilated back into her groupa and I went off to the side to have a good cry. How am I going to make it through the next 6 weeks?

I know I’ll make it, but more than anything my heart aches for my daughter on Saturday morning when she anticipates our arrival and we do not come. Please pray for her. Even now, I cannot type this without getting choked up. Pray that she can somehow understand that we will come back for her even when it feels like forever. Pray that she will be like a sponge and take in our family book, ready for her family when we return. Pray for my mother’s heart.

As my friend, Anne, reminds me. This is was not "goodbye." It is merely "see you later."

I now take off my adoption hat, tucking my daughter into my heart, and put on my anti-trafficking hat for the next part of our journey here in Eastern Europe. I cannot wait to see how this will unfold and I certainly can’t wait to share this part of my heart with you.

Simple Truth

2011-06-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

Upon our arrival, we were greeted with the news that our daughter began looking for us outside the windows this morning and began pitching a fit when she thought we were not coming. That is good news, friends! That means she is looking forward to our time together and that she remembers us.

The bad news is that we only have one more day of visiting her until we go home for a few weeks. Knowing she anticipates our coming, it breaks my heart that we have to leave her here a bit longer. To be honest, when we adopted DOP and had to leave her between trips, it didn’t really bother me. She was in a good orphanage and was in good hands I felt peace about it. Maybe some of it had to do with her personality too. She walked into the room and commanded our attention. She still is like that today. I attribute her feisty personality to her survival. Anika, on the other hand, has a very passive personality and some of her reactions exhibit a bit of fear when she does something wrong. Her mannerisms cower a bit, like she’s anticipating something negative for her actions. My assessment is that she is probably a generally quiet child by nature, but some of it has been amplified as her way of survivial.

I can see by the physical surroundings, the buildings, the playground, the flowers everywhere, the toys, the orphanage dogs, cats and rabbits that her facility is well taken care of. However, the more time I spend there it becomes more and more clear as to who loves their job and genuinely loves the children and who is just doing a job. Often times the children in her groupa, who are playing a small distance away are crying and fighting while the caregivers sit at the table and talk, oblivious to what is going on with the children. You will see this scene at orphanage after orphanage,so please don't think I am picking on her orphanage.

I have seen previous pictures of my daughter with bite marks all over her arm and noticed some during our times visiting on this trip. Yes, biting is age-appropriate and yes, she is technically in good hands because her orphanage is in good shape, but you know what? Good facilities and a few genuinely caring people will never replace a family. To be blunt, it’s those few people in just the right places that have a special place for her in their heart that are doing the most loving act for her. They are not keeping her to themselves. They are doing the hard work of doing what it takes to make her adoptable so that she can experience true love.

For those people, I am grateful.

Not only for my daughter but for every caregiver out there who puts their own self-interests aside for the greater benefit of that child.

I did not cry when we left DOP, but tomorrow (and every day after that) will be difficult until we can bring her home. My daughter needs to get out of the group care setting and be in a loving family that will dote on her, look her in the face, hold her and do whatever it takes to see her bloom.

We anticipate that we will return to her country within the next 6-8 weeks to go to court to finalize her adoption. We will then return home for 9-10 days. Her country has a standard 10-day waiting period. During our previous adoption we stayed in-country during that time, bringing our total time there to one month. We found that it was just as expensive, if not more, to stay and pay for hotel/food rather than purchase an additional set of airline tickets. It was also extremely hard on our kids at home for us to be gone that long. So this time around, we will come home during that waiting period. After those days are over, we will be able to return to pick her up. We hope that we will finally get to bring her home before the end of summer. What a joyous time of celebration that will be!

You can pray for us about this time apart, but more than anything, I ask you to pray for dear, sweet Anika in the wait time. Pray that somehow she understands that we will be back for her. We have left a “family book” for her full of our pictures, but it’s a far cry from her real family!

Her Joyful Laughter

2011-06-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

They say a picture is worth a million words so I will let the pictures do a lot of the talking today. It was a long day of visiting, but so very worth it. Our first day of visiting and our second day of visiting were like night and day. Cautious and reserved the first day, full of joyful laughter and squealing the next. The sound of her little girl laughter as she went down the slide over and over again and the smile we got from her as she tickled and giggled with her Daddy were worth it all.

She has already figured out the sound of the camera and does not like it. As soon as she hears it, she countenance changes and she refuses to look at whoever has it. We left the first day wondering how well she was hearing, but after today it was clear that she hears very well. She just chooses what she’s going to respond to. Sounds like an average kid, huh?

I do have to say that later, during our afternoon visit, we could tell she was tiring. During our time with her then, we had asked permission to take her glasses off. I just wanted to see her full face and have the chance to look into her eyes. It was wonderful to see her full beauty. However, we learned real quickly that we won’t be doing that again. Keeping in mind that she was tiring at this point, but when we went to put her glasses back on…she was not happy and she let us know it! Funny thing is though, that even though we know she hears, she is still speech delayed so she is very quiet. She threw herself onto the floor and pitched quite a fit, but in silence. It was like watching an old silent movie! So…it’s good to know that even in her quietness, she can express herself!

Enjoy these pictures. After our visit with her today, we are headed off to see some of the sights. One in particular I regretted not going into last time. We are taking a translator this time so we can enjoy the full benefit! The kids and I have studied this particular place a lot so it thrills me to get the full experience this time, especially with my new-found knowledge of its history!

Meeting Day

2011-06-07T13:08:00.000-07:00

Since February when I first saw her picture, I have been waiting for this day. This was the day when our world collided with our daughter’s. What a sweet time it was.

From the moment she walked into the room, she was curious. The surroundings of the play room were new to her and she was intent on exploring it and us. She was a bit apprehensive of us at first, but then began to warm up and enjoy her time.

She was especially taken with her Papa, although she argued with him that he should be called “Mama!” She was very intrigued by his goatee and when he would hold her, she would stroke it, trying to figure out what she thought. Although the director of her orphanage is a male, she doesn’t usually come in contact with males so she was quite drawn to my man. This was also the case with our DOP. Males are rare caregivers so interesting in themselves.

Playing on the small trampoline seemed to be one of her favorite things to do, whether it was with me or my man. Jumping brought the most smiles. She was also very determined to stack the rings onto the tower taller than her, making musical sounds as she worked.

Before we traveled here, we had a sneaking suspicion that Anika had crossed eyes. We were prepared for that and figured we’d deal with it when we got home. If you notice, most pictures of her are taken from the side so you don’t notice her eyes. Surprisingly, the doctors here are already working to correct this. Thus, the reason for the corrective lenses and patched eye. They are working on making her weaker eye stronger. Seeing crossed eyes in an orphan is not new to me. I’ve seen it time and again. What breaks my heart is knowing that often this happens because as babies they have nothing to look at and learn to focus their eyes on. It just makes me want to scoop her up and give her plenty of loving faces to look at for the rest of her life!

Along with her eyes, we also learned that she has speech delays. We did not hear her utter a word today beside calling her Papa, “Mama.” This is not uncommon on the first visit as she gets used to us. I am curious to observe her over this week to see how much speech she has or lack of speech. None of these issues are large ones, it’s just good to spend time with her to know what we have ahead. It will give us time to line up the professionals she will need to see upon our arrival home.

We were pleased to see that the orphanages in this region are located on the fringes of the big city and in a more open, nature-like environment. Her orphanage in specific is top of the line and we couldn’t have been more impressed with not only the facility, but the staff also. Our daughter is in good hands.

The orphanage director gave us permission to visit her twice per day, instead of just once. This is quite exciting to us, but I do have to confess that two times per day of two hour play sessions is a long time to be in a small room with limited toys. Thankfully, we’ve been granted the opportunity to take Anika to the park tomorrow.

Heading to bed to get rest for another big day of time spent with Anika.

Her Story, Her City

2011-06-06T13:39:00.000-07:00

It’s been a long, tiring journey, but we are finally here…here in her city. I can hardly believe it. It all seems so unreal to not only be here in EE again, but to know that she is within miles of us…no words.

Being a part of her story unfolding has allowed there to be an inner peace that is unexplainable. Yes, there have been stressful parts like preparing a dossier in record time to packing for a family of seven. Yet, through it all, when we have faced any type of uncertainty, we’ve reflected back at what God has done and it has allowed us to have confidence in Him and trust that He has us…and her…in the palm of His hand.

I remember just one week before we were to leave, I wondered where the money would come from to pay our facilitator. I heard Him whisper into my ear, “Remember, I’ve got your back. Just watch what I will do.” And in just one short week, I watched as His generosity built little by little, day by day to give us more than enough for this trip. We are certainly not fully funded yet, but we have all that we need for now and even have a bit saved for Trip 2. I have no doubts He will supply what we need exactly when we need it. Someday I’ll take the time to share a bit more of financial side of our trip to encourage you that you don’t have to make a million bucks to adopt…

just be willing.

Even if you cannot adopt, yourself, be willing to help those who can. You'd be surprised at how God will multiply what you can give into something huge for Him. Whether it's time, money, creativity, child care, meal making, driving, whatever...He will use it.

It’s been just 3 short years since we’ve been here, but her country has changed. It has changed, in a good way, and so have I. Its newer airport and the city itself are more English friendly. More people speak English and we speak more Russian. We also realize that we have the map of this city imprinted in our head more than we realized. We seem to remember where everything is. On top of that, over the past year, my kids and I have learned more in-depth about the culture of this country—it’s history, it’s rulers, it’s people, it’s artists, composers, writers, mentalities and even some of its language. Our love for this country has deepened.

Maybe it’s this deeper understanding of its culture or maybe it’s from having done this before but it’s a lot easier to relax and enjoy everything this time around. My weary body needs to head to bed, but tomorrow is the day we meet her. Again, I am speechless…

YOU are a Part of Her Story

2011-06-02T20:37:00.000-07:00

As He's unfolded His story through her story, somehow with me in the role as storyteller, I have been struck again and again by the fact that

her story reaches far and wide,

probably even farther than I will ever know. I am awed by how many people have already written in her figurative "life book" before she's even arrived in our home.

As we are staring down the last few days before we meet her, I realize I would be remiss if I did not give YOU--those she has already touched--the opportunity to contribute to her physical Life Book. What an incredible opportunity for her to know how many people have prayed, given money, hosted "Love for Anika" parties so she can have a forever family. Even if you don't know us--you know her and that's what matters. It's a great way for us to get to know YOU!

While we are visiting her, or anytime really, I would like to invite you to please email me any prayers, notes, thoughts, pictures of parties given in her honor. She deserves to meet you because YOU are a part of her story. Email me at: nates5bs@gmail.com

During this trip, I will continue to blog here on The Mommy Map, but I also wanted to give you a few other ways to keep up with us:

Twitter: nates5bs (me)
nathanfreeland (my man who is very tweet happy)

Facebook: Brandy Freeland (Please make a note "Anika" in the friend request so I know you are not a creepy person! Although, I do confess I don't update FB very often.)

Once we are done visiting her, we will join up with our team for the original trip that we had planned months ago to Eastern Europe. I can't wait to share about that part of our journey too. It's right at the center of my passion. I'll give you a hint: Children's Hope Chest...

See you in Eastern Europe! Remember it's 11 hours ahead of PST.

Details, Details, Details

2011-05-30T19:14:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months, I have joined hands with others in finding the gifts of gratitude that are woven into the fabric of my life--the tiny details that sometimes go unnoticed, but yet it's those small details that really hold everything together. Just like gratitude, I must take the time to notice their intricacy and beauty.

As everything seems to be moving at such a fast pace, a blur, a spinning that does not cease, I find it hard to merely stop, catch my breath and notice these tiny details woven into her story and give thanks for them.

- Paperwork reaching her country in record timing
- School coming to an end, offering more time for preparations
- Anticipation building of meeting her
- Brothers and sisters eager to pick out & share toys/clothes for their new sister
- Money given months ago for our adoption, lost but now found in perfect timing
- My children and neighborhood children working together to juice lemons, selling lemonade up and down the street to help raise funds to bring their new sister/playmate home.
- Screaming deal on a used electric drum set for The Talker, he using money painstakingly saved for months
- Used drum seller refusing the money, insisting it be used toward her adoption
- Bounty of little girl clothes donated by loving friends for trying on her at the orphanage so we can figure out what size she is, lovingly given to leave for those she will leave behind
- Tears shed over goodbyes as a dear friend leaves for the mission field in Haiti while we are a world away in her country
- Hunting, hunting, hunting for dress pants for my short legs, finally found
- Spontaneous hugs from my kids, storing them up before we leave
- Friends giving of their time to spend with my kids allowing me to accomplish what needs to be done to get to her
- Treasured moments as a family, experiencing mini-golf together for the first time
- Suitcases borrowed, ready for filling
- Toys/activities given by loving hearts for play with her while we visit
- Making new internet friends along the way as her story unfolds
- Watching the numbers climb as people we don't even know, selflessly hosting "Love for Anika" parties, writing their part into her story

So many details coming together and yet so many still to fall into line in just this next week alone. We could use a bit of prayer for those details. Will you play your part in her story by joining us in praying over those details?

- Passp*rts/Visas due to leave the Embassy on June 2. They must reach us by June 3 in order to depart on time.
- Errands to run, meals to make, funds to come together, time to spend as a family
- Packing for 7 people...enough said
- Getting everyone where they need to be and making sure everyone knows their part in child care
- Remembering everything I need to remember, even the little things like library books turned in
- My man working 80+ hours/week to finish up renovations at his job on top of his regular work, all so he can be ready to meet his new daughter
- Rest for my hard working man's weary body

Thanks can never be enough to you for coming alongside and cheering us on as His story unfolds through her story.

Are You Kidding Me?

2011-05-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

I had these grand plans of only adding to her story once per week, but frankly, I can barely keep up with Him daily and I think I will forget a lot of amazing little things if I go that route. So let's see if I can bring you along more often on the ride.

Over the weekend, it came to my attention that we would need to obtain a local police letter to see if it would suffice instead of a state wide one. In our state, it can be quite laborious to get the state level so if our daughter's country would be willing to take a local level report, it would be a welcomed relief. I really had no idea how to get one or how long it would take. The timing is important since our agency would like us to hand-carry it with us, if at all possible.

I woke up Monday morning and called at 8:00 am to our local department. I found out the process and was told that it could take a few days. So by 8:10, I was in their lobby getting the ball rolling. My man was to stop by on his way to work to request his info since I couldn't get it for him. Yet, the lady at the desk was nice enough to let me fill out his document so that all he'd need to do was sign when he got there.

By the time my man arrived an hour later, the lady had both of our reports done and ready and told us to bring a notary back later in the afternoon. Wow.

Woke up this morning to find confirmation that we will have an appointment with the DOE on the date we had hoped for in less than 2 weeks. Also received the good news that our documents have arrived in-country. Now for translation and registration!

As a result of those confirmations, we had our airline tickets changed to the new dates of our trip. Remember, we were already scheduled to travel to EE in a few weeks. Now we just needed to add a few days on to the front of the trip for the visit with our daughter. After that, we will meet up with our team for our original trip. When we received the new itinerary, we stood in awe of Him again. We expected that we would need to pay a fee for changing the tickets. Nope. No balance due. In fact, the ticket prices have gone down so there is now a credit. Are you kidding me?

“Are you kidding me?”

seems come out of my mouth on a regular basis now. My kids and I joke that if I had a dollar for every time that phrase slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it, we'd have this whole adoption paid for already!

Maybe I should change the name of this blog to www.areyoukiddingme.com! Ha!

I must confess, that when I woke up this morning, before checking my email, I was fretting about the money we will need to bring on our first trip. Yet when things like these are happening so frequently, how can I? He is a mountain moving God that has proven Himself to our family over and over and we can't help but push our worries aside and have confidence in the One who is writing His story through her story.

Tiny Details of Her Story

2011-05-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely humbled that God would allow me to be a part of her story. As I tell her story time and again, I am so in awe of what He is doing and cannot figure out for the life of me why He’d want to involve me—us—our family!

Probably the hardest people to share her story with are those that instantly place us into sainthood upon hearing it. Please let me be clear. We are no heroes. We are simply passionate about joining God in the work of placing orphans in families and are obedient when He has asked us to be willing. That is all.

Just simply willing.

We have a family. There are children who need one. Why not us? As I have explained it to a few people along the way, I only have one life to live and I do not intend to waste it. I do not desire to live comfortably and without risk. After all, this is not my life to live. It is His.

Every time I think to ask you to lift us up in a specific prayer, by the time I get to the computer to write, it has been answered already. This is going at such a crazy, fast pace that it practically leaves my head spinning. When I am tempted to worry about some part of the journey, I merely have to look back at how many impossible things have become possible in the past few weeks that I cannot help but hear Him whispering in my ear, “I’ve got your back. No need to fear that I will not come through.”

This past week alone, I have barely been able to keep up what He is doing. Can you believe that we modified our homestudy for a new agency, prepared a dossier, had it apostilled and out the door to Russia in one week? Impossible. Think again.

Can you believe that before I’ve even had time to think about changing around the child care arrangements for my other kids since we are lengthening our original trip a bit, I have had people come to me and ask if they can fill in the gap for me? Our child care modifications were ready before I was!

Even the tiny things have been taken care of. For example, I normally work in our Connection Center at church on the first Sunday of the month. I hadn’t even thought about getting someone to fill in for me yet. No sweat. He’s got my back again. Another volunteer contacted me this week and wondered if I could work for her this week and switch my June date. Well, since I’ll be on a plane to EE, that will work just fine!

Did I ever tell you the other tiny detail that was not tiny to us? Back in February, when we first discovered her, we found out that her birth name is the same as the very best friend of DOP—the one she had to leave behind. Of all the names…really? Daughter of Purpose has grieved that loss and always wanted us to go back for her friend. When we investigated the possibility, we learned that her friend had already been adopted. God knew that name was special to us and has used it as a confirming piece in her story. Of all the names…I still can’t get over it!

All of the pieces seem to be falling into place without me even doing anything. I have never experienced anything like this before! At this point, we are simply waiting on the official word from EE that all of our hard work to get our paperwork done so quickly has paid off. We are waiting to hear if we have an appointment with the DOE in 2 weeks.

Thanks for praying for us, especially those that don’t even know us, but just know Anika’s story. It’s clear to me that He’s got some seriously big plans for her. I can’t wait to be a part!

Unfolding His Story Through Her Story - Part 4

2011-05-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

By the following Monday, we received an unofficial word that they would make an exception for a family with up to 5 children in the home—ha, ha! That would work just fine for us! One mountain down.

By Tuesday we knew the next mountain we were up against. There were two other families in front of us. In these types of situations, it’s a first come, first served basis. We would need to wait it out. Yet again, it looked impossible, but everything in me knew that this was my daughter so I fasted and prayed throughout the week while we waited.

Another interesting piece as we waited was that whoever was to be her family, needed to be able to travel to visit her in June. We already have a trip planned to EE in June and have visas. Crazy, huh? We knew this was not an accident.

Thursday, May 12, 2010 we woke with the realization that this was the “Gotcha Day” of Daughter of Purpose. Three years ago, on that day, we walked away from the orphanage with her. I knew there was something different about this day. I begged the Lord to honor the significance of this day and to allow us to have another cause of celebration on this day—let this be the day we find out that she really is our daughter. His response to me was that I needed to fast & pray again. I complained a bit, reminding Him of all of the fasting and praying I had already done, but then again yielded to His will.

The kids and I went to the park that day. My friends say I was pretty quiet. I guess it’s because I was single minded that day. I was praying for my daughter.

At 4:11 pm my phone rang and knew this was it. I was either going to receive good news or bad news. I braced myself to hear whether I was right or not. Was this my daughter or not? I really wanted her family to be ours, but yet I ultimately knew that God was in control and He knew what was best for her. All I really wanted was for her to have a family and that through them she would know about Him. Would we be chosen?

Tears streamed down my face as the social worker let me know that she had just gotten confirmation that we were on deck. The families in front of us either had to or chose to step out. Second mountain down.

That meant that what I knew ever since February was true. The precious treasure on the other side of the screen that captured my heart IS my daughter!

After I hung up the phone with the social worker, screams erupted in our home as I told the kids! I’m pretty sure I blew out the ear of my man when I called him at work!

SHE’S OURS! SHE’S OURS! SHE’S OURS! SHE’S OURS!

I could not believe this was happening. I mean I could because

He is a mountain moving God,

but yet at the same time I couldn’t believe it was real.

Now that we’ve committed to be her family, we have a whirlwind of activity to do before we leave in June. We have to have our homestudy slightly modified, every document done, shipped to EE, translated and registered by June 7. Sounds impossible, but with all of the mountains we have seen move recently, I have no doubts that God will empower us to get it done and for the funding to come together. As my new friend, Amy says, “God is cool like that.” I love that! You are right, Amy, God IS cool like that!

We could use your prayer over the next few weeks as we prepare to meet our new 2 ½ year old daughter.

We’ve come too far to doubt that God will meet our need to bring our daughter home. I am so astounded by the privilege He’s given me to tell His story by telling her story. I hope you stick around to listen as the rest of it unfolds. I think it’s gonna be good.

Unfolding His Story Through Her Story - Part 3

2011-05-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

Something about this particular little one stayed with me over the months. Even though the door was closed, I couldn’t shake her and quietly kept her in my heart, praying for her and wondering if she’d ever found a family.

On a Monday morning a few weeks ago, The Driver and I discussed our thoughts about changing to another country in EE for our adoption and he left for a staff retreat with intentions to pray specifically about this issue.

Late Tuesday night, as I closed down the computer for the night, I made an impulse decision to check into Twitter. I hadn’t been on Twitter for about two months and I’m still not really sure why I decided to check in to the Twitter world,

but that one decision changed my life.

As I glanced over my Twitter feed, I didn’t focus in on a whole lot, but one tweet in particular stood out to me. I have gone back and looked for this tweet, but have been unable to find it. I’m not even sure who it was that tweeted this, but I remember it saying something like this, “Maybe YOU can be the one to change the life of this little girl.” It had a link to a blog attached so I clicked it.

The image that came up at the end of that link was her—my daughter-to-be still needed a family. She had grown up a bit, but I instantly knew it was her. They had changed her name for privacy, but I knew it was her. Thinking that maybe I had lost my mind, I backtracked to where I knew her info was on her orphanage’s website—in Cyrillic, mind you. I translated the pages, navigating as I went along and…there she was...correct name and all!

Needless to say, I did not sleep very well that night, tossing and turning, trying to decide what to do. I knew she was my daughter, but how was I to conquer the mountainous law that stood in my way? As I prayed through the night, the scripture came to mind in Matthew 17:

“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

By the time I got up in the morning, I knew what I had to do. I needed to begin asking questions and “pushing” those mountains. I also knew I needed to put into practice what the Lord had been teaching me about over the previous few months. So I asked a few friends to join me in fasting and praying while I began calling and emailing everyone I knew might be able to help.

I knew that asking for a waiver or something of that sort was like asking for the moon in her country, but the Mama Bear in me had to try. Shockingly to me, I did not meet resistance. What I found instead was an attitude that said “It’s not common, but it’s not unheard of—we can ask.” The mountains were beginning to move.

(Another part of the unfolding will be posted tomorrow...)

Unfolding His Story Through Her Story - Part 2

2011-05-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

As I wrestled and as the kids and I unpacked Isaiah 6, He used my children to encourage me to step out and trust Him. Of course the kids didn’t know any of the dialogue going on in my head, so imagine what I thought

when I saw this one morning on Littlest One’s paper:

And then imagine my thoughts when I saw that Daughter of Purpose had painstakingly written this out for me later that week and presented it with a smile:

I knew what God was calling us to do so The Driver and I prayed about where to start. Initially, we started with our heart for Moldova and pursued adoption that direction because it just made sense, but were always open to Russia. Moldova had captured us when we learned that it is a hot spot for sex trafficking. 30,000 females go missing a year in Moldova. Traffickers prey upon innocent orphans who have recently “aged out” of the orphanage at 14 years old. They often don’t have options beyond a skanky, cheap dormitory or the street. Alcoholism, drugs and prostitution become their way of survival. Traffickers make empty promises of high paying jobs…and that orphan is never seen again.

We were headed to Moldova until a few weeks ago when rumblings from the Moldova adoption community began to surface that Moldova is changing their process and intends to resurrect a law that is already on the books. They intend to enforce a law that states that adoptive parents must stay in-country for 1-3 months for bonding. If their social worker does not deem them bonded after such time, they can cut off the adoption. Everything this family has invested in a child thrown out. Nice. We knew we couldn’t be in another country for that time frame so we began to pray about changing our focus to Russia.

Let me backtrack to February of this year. As we were working on compiling our homestudy, I happened one day upon a site that advocates for children in need of families. I also happened upon the picture of my daughter-to-be and knew right away that she was my daughter. I can’t really explain how I knew,

but something deep inside of me just knew

I knew that I was looking at my daughter.

So I pursued her, but right away the door shut. The regulations of her region in Eastern Europe would not allow a family with five children to adopt her. I accepted the closed door for what it was and moved on…sort of.

(Another part of the unfolding will be posted tomorrow...)

Unfolding His Story Through Her Story

2011-05-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

Choosing where to start her story

has been no easy task because I believe her story has been written into the fabric of our family for longer than we were previously aware, but looking back…she’s been there. We just didn’t see her until now.

In an effort not to bore you with minute details, although some of those are important, I will start with the story of her shoes. If you would like to read the full version of this story, click here. Otherwise, here’s the short version of what happened about four years ago.

While we were in process of adopting Daughter of Purpose, we hadn’t even found her yet, I was in need of serious encouragement from the Lord that we had done the right thing in opening up our lives to the adoption journey. While looking through a bag of hand-me-down clothes with Mini-Me, from a family that had never given us clothes before and never has again—so very random—I happened upon two pairs of toddler girl shoes. They were precious and I knew immediately they were a fingerprint of God of what He had in store for our family and even Mini-Me voiced it too. How did I know? That family had no little children in their family even close to that age. When I later asked them about the shoes, they had no clue what I was talking about. God placed those TWO pairs of shoes in into those bags for me. As tears brimmed in my eyes I knew we were meant to fill them with two little girls from Eastern Europe, I just didn’t know how the story was going to unfold.

The first pair of shoes was filled by Daughter of Purpose in 2008. You can read about her journey into our family here. Initially when we brought her home, it was like a woman remembering her labor pains. I was still remembering the hard work of bringing her home so I had no intentions of “laboring” in that way again—or at least for a long while. We had bonding and family adjustments to make. That has been a journey in itself. You can find snippets of that woven in and out of the fabric of our lives over the past few years written here on The Mommy Map.

Fast forward to the Fall of 2010. The Driver has always been ready to fill the second pair of shoes, but I still wrestled and wondered if maybe I’d heard the Lord wrong. If you know me, that is my way. If the Lord asks me to do something, I need to wrestle with it first and then submit my will to His. This was to be no different.

My kids and I had begun a study on the book of Isaiah with BSF and were plugging along just fine until we began studying Chapter 6. I read verse 8, “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here am I. Send me!’

I don’t know how everyone else read that passage, but I knew right away that this was the beginning of the unfolding of the story of how God would fill that second pair of shoes. Some of my conversations with Him went something like this:

“I am willing, but Lord, really—I’m good with what I have. Five is a good number.”

“I’m glad you are content, but I’m not done.”

“I don’t know if I can do this. I sometimes feel overwhelmed.”

“You are right, you cannot do this, but with Me—you can.”

“What if there is not enough of me to go around?”

“There won’t be enough of you, but there will be enough of Me.”

“Okay, Lord. I am willing, but could we take this slowly?”

Well, it went slow for a little bit.

(Another part of the unfolding will be posted tomorrow...)

Just 15 Minutes

2011-04-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

It was supposed to simply be a Saturday afternoon nap. A rare treasure I was relishing in. I was in a drowsy state of slowly drifting in and out of coherent thoughts when I had an epiphany.

A light bulb moment.

What my Daughter of Purpose needs most from me is to play with her. What? Play with her? Did I really just think that? I did. What was I thinking?

There it was.

Whispered again...

Be playful.

Playful I am not. I am a facilitator of fun for everyone else, but I don't often engage in the fun myself. I just don't. Don't know why...it's just not me. Rewind to Legoland two years ago. Everyone on our trip had a blast...and so did I, just differently. I had joy in the watching of everyone else's fun, but didn't slip into the moment with them. Disneyland the following year. Same scene. Different location.

Time and again I can tell you the story of being on the outside looking in. It's just the way it's always been for introverted me so it doesn't occur to me to do anything differently. This thought of joining in the play instead of setting up the play felt like an invasion. I didn't like it.

But I knew it was right.

I lay there in the quiet of the epiphany, replaying the pleading look in my DOP's eyes and the snippets of her voice saying, "Mommy, will you play with me?" over and over again. I didn't have the first four years of her life to build into. I didn't have those moments of cuddling and nursing her at my breast to bond naturally. I missed out on all of her milestones. So each day I have with her is the unnatural work of building what has been missed and sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes it makes me want to run the other way.

My DOP needs a lot of things from me to build the relationship of trust between a mother and child, but playing just wasn't one of those things I realized was a part of the package. Relentlessness...yes. Caregiving...yes. Physical touch...yes. Time...yes. But play? I didn't sign up for this.

Sigh.

I guess it's time a draw up a new contract, get out my pen and sign away because my DOP is worth it. She needs me to step outside myself and enter into her world to meet those deep down needs that need to be filled with a mother's love. Only I can do that because I have the privilege of being called her Mommy. God chose me even though He knew playfulness was not on my resume.

To be honest, I think all kids cry out for their Mommy to stop running circles around them and instead join them in the playful middle. If I really think about it, all of my kids have asked me at one time or another to join them in their play or even just stop long enough to snuggle on the couch. Maybe there's something to this playful thing that can touch everyone.

So...where do I start with this playfulness stuff? It's foreign to me. P*lly Pockets, Littlest Pet Sh*p and playing card games like "Go Fish" are just not my thing. Even just the thought of sitting and playing these things practically makes me break out in hives! Maybe I'm allergic to play. (Okay, so maybe it's not that bad!) I think I'll start by placing one foot in front of the other, reminding myself that it takes practice. It might be painful at first, but it should get easier with time. Right? I think I'll start small. After all, this is stretching me big time. I will start with 15 minutes a day. Yes, that's it...15 minutes a day. I am challenging myself to get uncomfortable and play 15 minutes a day. How about you? Could you give up 15 minutes of your time to not just do the Mom thing, but actually be the mom? Stop long enough to be in the moment. Enjoy it. Relish in it. Hey, what the heck? Why not join me and have a little fun while being the mom!

I am starting tomorrow with the ~~torture~~ play. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

Seeing Gifts

2011-04-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

This one right here. This one is my favorite. My favorite gift.

Inspired by this post, my kids and I armed ourselves with a stack of these:

And began this. A place to visually see what we consider to be gifts in our lives. A place to glance and remember our thanksgiving...and it's growing. This was just the first day, but the kids have a goal of covering our window so much that you can't see through it. Wouldn't that be awesome? Not being able to see so that we can see?

They have seen me carry this everywhere...

...and know that it is a place where I practice thanksgiving. Practice, practice, practice to 1000. I'm almost there at 732, but to be honest, I don't think I'll stop at my goal. I'll keep going as long as He will give me eyes to see eucharisteo.

And how could I stop now that I've got 5 more sets of eyes to help me see?

My eyes can see that my children are beginning to see. They are beginning to look beyond the easy stuff to be thankful for like food, clothes and parents. Their vision is being sharpened, focus to join me in seeing the gifts the lie beneath the surface of each day. And what do they say, "Many hands make light work." Yep, when we work together to dig for the gifts, it definitely is lighter work.

Work in Progress

2011-04-02T23:33:00.000-07:00

I am working on some changes to the look of The Mommy Map, but I can only do a little bit at a time. So if it looks funky for awhile, be patient. It will all come together in a few days! While you wait, take a peek at the tabs I added at the top. I'd love to hear your feedback (Well, only if it's nice!).

The Foot of My Stairs

2011-03-28T17:22:00.000-07:00

I'm standing at the base of the stairs in our home, patiently watching my daughter...

go up the stairs
   go down the stairs
   go up the stairs
   go down the stairs
   go up the stairs
   go down the stairs
   until an attitude adjustment is made.

I wonder to myself..."Why am I doing this? Why am I standing here making my daughter go up and down the stairs until her attitude changes? This is going to take forever. It would be so much easier to continue what I've been doing." In the next moment I realize why I am here and that I'm lying to myself. It is not easier. I am here because I am reaping the consequences of my actions. For the past few months, I have been passively sitting by and letting her daddy deal with her because she is hard and she exasperates me. I've coped through each day, avoiding making her do anything she really needs to. The Driver gets to do the dirty work when he's home.

Seemed easy enough in the moments of coping, but now I don't just have a child on my hands that is simply tough, I've got a daughter that has attitude times ten, glares at me, mouths off at me and I'm pretty sure would say the word, "hate" if she knew to say it. Sigh. What I've done in my moments of not wanting to deal with her, is create a fissure in our relationship which is sure to crack wide open if I don't do something about it. Every time I have not pushed back with boundaries, let her get away with attitude, spoken without thinking first and walked away without offering physical touch, I have done damage. I have confirmed to my Daughter of Purpose what she believes about herself...that she is not worth it. Sigh again. I could kick myself for what I've done in an effort to make it "easier on myself." No wonder she adores her Daddy and pushes away from me. I have done this and no one can fix it but me.

This path back to a restored relationship is much harder than if I would've just done the small bit of hard work in the moment. A self-controlled tongue, a word of encouragement, an embrace amidst a shared moment of laughter, a standing of ground until the task was accomplished with a right attitude, a knee bent in prayer asking for help in the moment. I'm not perfect, but I know in my heart of hearts that I could've done a better job.

Sweet Mama, as I stand at the bottom of the stairs in my home working to get back to where I need to be with my daughter, I wonder if you've taken the easy road before too. Maybe you're there now. Let me share something with you that occurred to me in the midst of the battlefield with my DOP recently. My husband cannot fight this battle for me. He cannot restore this relationship. He cannot earn her respect for me. He cannot make her listen to me. He cannot build the bond through physical touch for me. She will not assume that his words of love spoken to her come from me too. I cannot draft behind my husband like a cyclist, letting him take the front wind and me hoping to just coast along behind enjoying the benefits. It doesn't work that way. I must also do the hard work because you see, if I don't, I won't get to reap the benefits. I won't eat the sweet fruit of relationship with my daughter--only he will. Building relationship is hard work, but it is necessary. Do the hard work regardless of whether your child is adopted or not. These principles apply no matter where your child came from. I have had to build relationship with each and every one of my children and honestly...I've wanted to fast forward with each one...I've wanted the end product, not feeling like doing the work in between. Even after all these years and all these kids, I still wish for the easy road. You can see where that has gotten me...even when I know better.

If you need me, I'll be at the foot of my stairs.

Note: Since I wrote this post, it has been a long, but good & profitable week with my DOP. We are on eye-level again, but I know that my work is not done. This daily battle will most likely endure a life time, but I press on because my precious Daughter of Purpose is a gift.

Unexpected Vision

2011-03-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

“The remedy is in the retina.” – Ann Voskamp

Yesterday, as I was talking with the Lord and trying to iron out a few things in which I have been struggling, I shared with Him that I felt like I needed to see more of Jesus in my daily routines. I told Him of how I want to see Him, but yet I am struggling. Instantly, I had this flashback to Seeing the Face of Jesus, something of which I wrote awhile back. My own words played vaguely through my mind, reminding me that every time I speak words of life, wipe up the table for the millionth time, remind someone patiently of what they need to do, make another cup of honey tea for a sick one or offer another cup of medicine without huffing, I am seeing Jesus' face in every moment. As Ann Voskamp gently reminds me as I read through her book for the second time, God is here. I am in His sanctuary.

When I woke this morning with all this motivating me out of bed, never did I expect to see His face so close and in such ways.

I saw Him in the face of my man as he lay sleepy by my side, breathing. 11 years ago when his lung collapsed, I saw the reality of each breath of my husband to be a miracle. He is still my miracle.

I saw Him in the curious faces of two of my children as they worked side by side to look up the meaning of words in the dictionary.

I saw Him in the lit up face of DOP as she shared with our social worker, here for a home visit for our homestudy, about how excited she is to get a new sister...she won't have to be the dreaded youngest anymore.

I saw Him, I saw Him, I saw Him.

When I woke up this morning, those are the types of ways I expected to see Him, but what I didn't expect was to see Him in the battleground. I didn't expect to see His side, but in His divine way, He chose to use my Daughter of Purpose to give me a glimpse into what He goes through each day to make sure I see Him.

I saw Him as I sat side by side with DOP as she painstakingly did her school work and fought every stroke of the pencil, as she put on her act that tries to trick me into believing the same lies she does--that she's stupid and not worthy...but I didn't passively sit by this time. Instead, I took her face in my hands and chose to speak only words that make souls grow stronger.(Ann Voskamp) I told her of how I don't believe her act for a moment. But that I believe in her. I believe she is smart, beautiful, capable and worthy. I reminded her of the few moments that she has shown me the unbelievable ability she has to accomplish her schoolwork when she chooses to believe in herself. I reminded her that in every moment she must choose to believe the truth and not the ugly lies that filter through her head.

I saw Him as the tears pooled in her eyes, as she wrestled with which voice to believe.

I saw Him as she gave into the lies and it was evident in every move she made, her body language speaking enough.

I saw Him as I patiently worked with her, to break the will that refused to listen, as she walked up and down the stairs. Me carefully balancing the breaking of the will, but not breaking the spirit and all the while my Mama's heart breaking.

I saw Him as she yielded, proving me right. When she chooses to believe the voice of truth, she can accomplish amazing things!

I thought the battle was done.

He kept my eyes open to see His perspective as I lay on top of my daughter, face touching face, to protect her from herself as she pitched a fit of rage, flailing at anything within reach, screaming and crying at the top of her lungs, refusing to give in.

I saw Him through tears as I spoke calmly to her in brief moments of silence as she gasped for air before beginning to wail again. Challenging her not give into the lies, reminding her that I am her Mommy. I am not an orphanage worker that changes day after day, shift after shift or worse...one that never returns. I spoke into her that I am here day after day and I will not change. I am not going anywhere. Because of this, I know her. I know her potential. I know which voices she is listening to and reminded her of the same words I had spoken this morning. I patiently laid atop her grasping my moments to speak truth over her and waiting for her to yield to my voice and not the one that has been playing through her mind all these years.

I saw Him in her tears as she slowly yielded herself to what I continued to speak over her.

I saw Him as she realized that I was willing to fight for her, not only in life, but in the battleground of her mind.

I saw Him in her voice as she choked out, "Mommy, I believe you."

I saw Him in the aftermath, that embrace where she actually hugged back and the snuggling in my green chair as I stroked her hair and read her a story.

I saw Him in the spontaneous kiss she gave me.

As I have walked this winter journey and struggled with feeling down, I see now that He's been here all along. He used my Daughter of Purpose to show me what He has done for me each and every day over the past few months, speaking over me and waiting for me to yield. I saw myself reflected in my daughter's eyes and realized we are more alike than I had previously thought. I have a lot to learn from her.

Every day is a battle ground for my mind, just like my daughter. I believe the only reason I had any type of clarity today is because of those few who have been invited into my struggle and have begun to do battle for me through prayer. Now that I see clearly, I need to turn and do likewise for my daughter.

“The remedy is in the retina.” – Ann Voskamp

The Power of My Voice

2011-03-09T09:15:00.000-08:00

As I sit on the sidelines of the sports field, I am engulfed with the noise of those around me cheering on the players. It is a sea of voices and I wonder if my voice will be heard--why even bother? Yet when I join my voice with the crowd, my child turns and our eyes lock. They have heard my voice above all others.

It is a strange and curious thing the way this happens, but yet it happens time and again and I cannot discount it as a fluke. My children hear my voice and can distinguish it from others. This is what I want. Isn't that what you want? For your child to be able to discern your voice from the crowd?

From the time my children were conceived, they have been hearing my voice and they know it well. I have used it to speak into their lives in good times and bad. I have used it to tell them how much I love them, to encourage them, to teach them, laugh and even sing with them. Sadly, I have even been human enough to misuse this gift to speak in harsh tones or let my sarcasm get the best of me. That is certainly not the voice I want them to hear the most, but sometimes it happens.

This gift did not just happen overnight. It is a gift that was earned over time, with much hard work and practice. A lot of blood, sweat and tears went into it--a pouring out from both sides. It is a foundation that has been laid with each stitch of training I have sewn into the relationship between they and I.

Obviously it began in the womb, but beyond that--when they finally made their grand entrance into this life--I labored to speak words of life into them, shaping and molding who they are. I also purposely set up "games" that teach them to come when I call and to respond to me with a simple, "Yes, Mommy", "Coming, Mommy" or even just an acknowledgement of "Just a minute, Mom."

When I laid out these opportunities to train them to the sound of my voice, I knew what I was doing, but yet I didn't know what I was doing. I knew that I wanted them to be obedient, but I greatly underestimated the power that my voice has spoken over their life and how that simple training permeates everything. My voice is powerful. My voice makes them turn and respond. My voice encourages them and helps them to press on when they are uncertain. My voice sings over them. My voice laughs, giggles and experiences joy with them. My voice comforts. My voice displays how I am feeling so they know without even seeing me how I am doing and vice versa.

"The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." ~ Proverbs 18:21

My voice speaks life to my children, well...most of the time. My voice has the power to speak life, but sometimes, in my humanness, it speaks death. My voice has the power to cut my children to the quick. Especially since I know them so well, it can penetrate them right where it will hurt most. My voice is a powerful weapon that can be mis-used to wound if I am not careful. I must think first and choose my words carefully because my voice weighs heavy in their life. Even greater power comes to those who know and understand the magnitude of the power they have in their voice and work to use it appropriately and well. I have had times of wondering if my hard work will pay off--will I even see any fruit from my labors? I have wondered it rotten fruit will be the harvest.

As I sit on the sidelines of the sports field, I lock eyes with my child and realize that I am eating the fruit and it is sweet.

Digging Out My Weapon of Choice

2011-03-08T10:23:00.000-08:00

This is a repost because I need a piece of my own medicine right now. I think it's funny the way God uses my own writing to meet me where I'm at. Lately, as my mom puts it, I've felt like I have a target on my back. The very scripture that has been surfacing in my brain in response to that, is the one I referenced in my original writing, coming full circle--imagine that! So I'm digging out my weapon of choice that somehow has gotten buried. I'm dusting it off and adding in a few more verses that I need to permeate my soul. Then it got me thinking...maybe you could use this reminder too.

When the chips are down (and even when they are not) this spiral bound little book of 3x5 cards is my best friend. Yes, I could carry my Bible around with me, but what I love about my "little book" is that it has all of the verses I reference in my mind all in one place so I can find them quickly. When I want to find that verse about not being weary, I just a flip a few pages and I'm there. When I want to post a certain verse in my face to read throughout the day, I set it in the kitchen or in my bathroom so I am forced to read it over and over again. When I miss out on my quiet time, I grab my "little book" and carry it with me wherever I am and flip through each verse, helping me focus my mind on where it needs to be for that day. All of my favorite verses are at my fingertips. I don't have to flip through the whole Bible and remember exactly where that verse was from 2 years ago. It's right there in my "little book" waiting for me.

Ephesians 6:10-17

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Winter

2011-03-01T14:04:00.000-08:00

On this night, as I drive along out in the boon-docks, I see the countryside differently than I ever have before. Maybe the moonlight is different. Maybe my frame of mind is just different. For as long as I can remember, I have always been surrounded by fields of growing things. Much of the produce for our country is grown here so it's all just a part of my scenery, taken for granted. I don't really see it anymore, but tonight two images stand out.

As moonlight spills out over the rows and rows of barren trees, going on for miles, it strikes me how each and every one of these trees is frozen in a pose. Each has been pruned back--standing, reaching toward Heaven, as if in an expectant, waiting pose. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting to come to life again. Waiting to bloom. If trees could think, it's as if there's no doubt in their mind that the blooming will come although they currently stand bare, naked, ugly. Their day for beauty is as sure as the dawn.

I am in that place--pruned back, stripped and bare. Feeling dead and wondering when the blooming will begin.

Further down the road, my eye grabs the image of the old, broken down, gnarled tree--also bare, worn out, looking anything but beautiful. Yet intertwined down low in it's branches is something, full of life, blooming. Such contrast.

I wonder, is that me? Worn down, broken, exposed, gnarled, crippled by life, but yet areas of me are blooming despite the core of me?

I am still trying to decide which one symbolizes me more in this place where I am at. I wish I could share openly about this place, but suffice it to say that it is winter.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens..." ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1

Maybe I'm a mixture of these images that play through my mind. God's word promises me that this is merely a season. I may feel like the inner part of me is going to shrivel up and die before Spring comes, but yet I have hope--I am like those trees that are waiting in expectation. I know without a doubt that God will bring the blooming again.

Yet as I trudge through each day of this harsh winter season, I must find ways of blooming, no matter how small, for my survival. That is why each day I push myself to do the hard eucharisteo.

Eucharisteo always precedes the miracle. ~ Ann Voskamp

Daily I pry open my eyes to seek out eucharisteo even when it hurts because I need a miracle. I need something to get me through this season. I need to find grace, thanksgiving and JOY no matter what.

152 - Crocheting in the warm sunshine.
153 - New family pictures finally in frames.
154 - Simplicity of a C*stco hot dog.

157 - Sunlight warming my toes in flip-flops.

164 - The natural way DOP grabs onto my hand as we walk together.
165- Hugs abundant, wiping away the grumpies.

199 - Kids who help around the house without being asked. Done as a gift to Mama.
200- A big, fluffy bed I don't want to get out of.

202- The folding of Littlest One into my lap as I type.
203 - Young eyes reading, opening up a whole new world.

206 - Yielding to the pleas of a child to come play.
207 - Eager ears listening as I read out loud inside a creatively built fort.

211 - Holding hands with my man.

217 - The smile of my man, just for me, from across the room.

232 - A basket of freshly folded laundry done by the loving hands of The Talker while Mommy has a headache.
233 - Two brothers conspiring together to do good.

237 - Every hard work step that DOP takes because each one is a miracle.
238 - The whir of the sewing machine.

240 - Hearing His voice in the most ordinary of places.

Some days and some seasons, eucharisteo is easy to find. Yet there are moments like these when I can barely breathe because the pain cuts so deep. These are the moments when I cling to the searching and finding of what will bring buds of new life if I just press on--clinging to eucharisteo in the hard. These gifts of being able to see beyond myself are like seeds of hope. Seeds of promise that this season shall pass and something beautiful awaits me.

I stretch my hands toward Heaven in expectation of the blooming...

Relent

2011-02-22T01:59:00.000-08:00

Relent.

I've been thinking about this word and what it means. Chewing on it, rolling to around in my mind for awhile now.

Relent- verb (used with object)
1. To cause to soften in feeling, temper, or determination.
2. To cause to slacken; abate.
3. To abandon; relinquish
4. To die down; let up

Synonyms: change one's mind, die away, ease up on, ebb, give in, give up, let go, lighten up, quit, subside, wane, weaken, yield.

Actually, what I've really been thinking even more about is the phrase "won't relent" and what does that really mean. I've sung it a million times in church (it's one of my favorites) as we sing about how God won't relent.

You won't relent until You have it all.
My heart is Yours.

The more I meditate on what this means--that God will not relent--He:

won't soften in feeling toward me
won't temper His love for me
won't lose determination to love me
won't slacken in His love for me
won't abate in His pursuit of my heart
won't abandon me
won't relinquish me
won't let His love die down
won't let up on His pursuit of all of me
won't change His mind
won't let His love die away
won't ease up on loving me
won't give in...
won't give up...
won't let go...
won't lighten up...
won't quit...

Are you getting it? Are you getting the relentless love of God for me...and for you? Two simple words, "won't relent" mean a depth of love like this:

Place me like a seal over your heart,
   like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
   its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
   like a mighty flame. ~ Song of Solomon 8:6

A love like this--a love like this, such as I do not deserve, but yet I receive simply because I've been adopted into God's family.

Powerful.

Humbled.

Adopted...I have been brought into a forever family, not because of anything I did (because I certainly didn't deserve it), but simply because Someone saw me, smiled over me because I brought Him delight, made a heart connection with me and knew I was His daughter, pursued me. That Someone loved me and still continues to love me even when I mess up again, again and again (and again...). Despite my past, that Someone chose me, decided I was worth something and began pouring His life and His love into me so that I could become something different, something new. He decided to offer new mercies every morning. He decided to look at me with that look of love. He chose and still chooses each day to rejoice over me with singing, to hold me in His arms of safety and to embrace me as His own.

When someone offers you this type of love, it should be easy to accept, right? It should be easy...but it's not. I don't know why. It's just not. I am scared. I rebel. I kick. I scream. I run. I test it. I wrestle with it. I fail. I fail. I fail.

I fail to understand why anyone would see me worthy of such love and I resist it. I want to know if that Someone will still love me even when it's hard and it hurts. I want to know if that Someone will eventually quit and give up on me because I have. Why not Him?

Relent.
He won't relent.

That's why.

That relentless love is what my Daughter of Purpose is after. She is adopted and I see her pursuit of this kind of love in her day after day. Even after almost 3 years of being adopted into our forever family, she still feels like she doesn't belong and that I will give up on her. She doesn't say it, but I see it. She is on a relentless pursuit of finding that love she's always been missing and that is why I must be just as relentless with my love right back. Sometimes I fail and sometimes she fails. I am grateful I have the relentless love of the Father as my example, but sometimes I just wish I wasn't so human. I wish that I could be the perfect relentless pursuer of my daughter's heart so that she would finally come to a place where she understands the depth of my love for her--that type of love that my biological children take for granted.

The relentless pursuit of my daughter's heart is hard work and sometimes I am weary and sometimes I just want to give up, but I don't.

I don't give up when she comes up with the most uncanny questions to keep me in her presence.
I don't give up when she repeats the same behaviors day after day after day.
I don't give up when I see nothing change.
I don't give up when she merely hears my footsteps and calls out my "mommy" because she still needs the assurance that I am still here.
I don't give up when she cries because she's afraid I will die.
I don't give up when she craves me reading books like, "Love You Forever" and "Guess How Much I Love You" over and over again because there's a relentless love modeled there.
I don't give up when she wants me to assist her with the most ridiculous things she is fully capable of doing because she just wants my presence, tender touch and loving eyes.
I don't give up when she wants me to play little girl games with her because she wants my time.
I don't give up when she restlessly roams the house, provoking others because she simply has no idea what to do with herself.

My daughter and I have a lot in common. We both have a relentless pursuer. Someone that knows it can take a lifetime to understand what unrelenting love means even after the act of adoption. He uses her to teach me with every heartbeat, the power of unrelenting love. And until she fully understands that it is not truly me who relentlessly pursues her heart, He uses me as the vehicle of pursuit. I feel the pressure.

I won't relent because He won't relent.

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count Thy Ways

2011-02-15T00:02:00.000-08:00

The sound of a small airplane taking off wakens me. Realizing it's only our coffee machine grinding beans, getting ready to brew our morning coffee, I groan, roll over to glance at the clock and notice that the timing just isn't right. It's 7:30...our coffee goes off at 7:50 every morning. Something is wrong. When my fog clears, I realize something is really, really wrong...I didn't set the coffee last night! How could all this be happening? Not knowing what to think and too tired to care, I roll back over to catch a few more winks. Not 5 minutes goes by and my night owl husband rolls out of bed to his alarm. Huh? The Driver set his alarm for this early? What in the hey-hoo is going on here? So much confusion for this non-early bird! I bury my head back under the covers, but begin thinking about how I can change things up a bit today. I don't want to do school with my kids like normal today. What can we do that is fun, creative and yet we learn something new? What can we do that exemplifies love today?

As I drift in and out of sleep for a few more minutes, I realize that I am hearing the footsteps of The Driver. They have gone down the stairs and back up. I think I even heard a bit of clinking in the kitchen. Weird. Could he be getting our morning coffee? Uh...no. Never has he done such a thing. For some reason, I've always been the fake-morning person, getting up with the kids and getting the family going for the day, so this means I've always been the coffee deliverer. Wait. What's that noise? As I peek out from under my cozy nest, I decide I must be having some sort of crazy dream. The Driver has entered our room with our morning coffee. Love. A simple cup of coffee and a whole lot of love has awoken me on this day of Love.

The kids are jumping out of their skin excited as I announce that we're doing something different today. We're gonna learn about love. What is it anyway? They each dig deep as they wade past the surface answers to answer this:

Love is...

Their list is admirable, but then we dig a little deeper and compare our list to what the Bible says love is.

"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs. Love is not happy with evil. But it is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up. Love never fails." ~ I Corinthians 13:4-8a

After much discussion, we've all got a lot to think upon now. The earlier verses in I Corinthians 13 say that if there is love, but no action...it is a waste. Wasting no time, we jump into putting some clothes onto our bones of love. H*rshey's kisses are doled out, each person (including The Driver and me later in the day) giving a "kiss" with a word about what they love about that sibling. It is a powerful moment to listen in on. I try to record every word with my mind, hoping time will not erase this memory.

I look across the dining room table, seeing an explosion of messy love as everyone pours out more love into making "love coupons" for each other (and beyond). Markers and scissors are strewn across the table. Construction paper, glue sticks, stickers, printables, and tape are everywhere, even the floor. The giving of love goes on as they each dream up ideas for how to bless someone with their love. Everyone is almost giddy and gushing at this point. It's a blissful moment in the life of a mom.

As each one creates, so do I through text messages, counting thy ways I love my man. Love carries each of us through our day with a new understanding of what love is. Even in the midst of a little intense fellowship with my man because of a misunderstanding, I reflect that love doesn't give up. Love never fails. The counting of ways continues.

It's not easy and it doesn't have to be expensive, but sometimes we make it so complicated. Look what the power of love can do with such simple words and actions. Each heart in our home is swelling tonight.

Our 2011 Wish List

2011-02-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

It's a little late into this new year to share with you our yearly Wish List which I originally shared with you last year, but I'll go ahead anyway. I usually try to share it with you closer to January 1, but this year got off to a bit of a delayed start as The Driver's mom passed away in the early days of January. We're getting back on our feet and into a new "norm" now. I'll write more about that later. Without further ado, here is our list from last year with our completed wishes.

Our 2010 Wish List

~~The Negotiator wants to finish reading all of "The M*gic Tree House" books.~~
Build a play structure.
~~Go to Disneyland.~~
Ride a horse & see the bats at our friend's house in the country.
Raise baby chicks.
~~Go camping in the mountains~~.
~~Mini-Me wants to go to church camp for the first time.~~
The Talker wants to go on a mission trip with Mom & Dad to help orphans.
~~More play dates with friends.~~
Build a treehouse or fort.
Paint the upstairs.
~~Exercise more.~~
~~Collect more shoes for Haiti.~~
Go to a museum (specifically not an art museum).
Daughter of Purpose wants to grow more flowers.
~~Find a way to help the poor in our own community~~.
Daughter of Purpose wants to adopt another child ("Like me!", she says.)
~~Grow an organic garden in the summer AND the winter.~~

I know it's February, but we finally got to this year's list.

Our 2011 Wish List

Build a play structure or fort.
Mini-Me wants to ride a horse.
Raise baby chicks.
Exercise more.
Pray through "Operation World."
Go camping.
Make more things to sell for orphans or give to an orphanage.
See the bats at our friend's house in the country.
Collect more crosses from other countries for our wall.
The Talker wants to go on a mission trip. (Mommy wants to go to Eastern Europe to help orphans.)
~~Adopt an~~other child. (Started, but not complete.)
Go bowling.
Go ice skating.
Go miniature golfing.
Find a way to meet more neighbors or get to know those we know better.
Finish painting upstairs.
Write our Children's Hope Chest child each month.
Go to the cabin for vacation.
Buy a new couch.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder what is on your list of things to accomplish with your family this year. As you can see, we don't always finish everything, but the sky is limit for us. We dream big...why not? So how about you? What are you dreaming big about?

Figuring Life Out - One Thousand Gifts

2011-02-05T09:56:00.000-08:00

Through Their Eyes

2011-02-02T18:04:00.000-08:00

"Eucharisteo always precedes the miracle." - Ann Voskamp

As I tweet this out in reminder to myself, I wonder where I will find thanksgiving, let alone a miracle in today. Upon waking this morning, I found my throat on fire and a nose that appears to have sprung a leak. Heap that upon my internal organs that are vexing me so. What good could come of this day?

Daily I am practicing having eyes to see the miracle of the gifts that surround me, but yet I am still so blind in so many ways. I want to be so much further on this journey than I truly am. Sigh. I press on in prayer, asking God to show me something when I feel like there is nothing.

Trudging through another long school day that feels like it will never end, I blow my nose for what feels like the four millionth time. My nose is raw.

120 - Tissue to blow my nose.

That's all I've got on my list today. I make an impulsive decision. Why not ask my children to help me see? They know I've started a list of gifts, why not speak it out loud and see what will happen? Why not see with their eyes? Genius. Eucharisteo begins to flow again.

125 - Littlest One crawling up into my lap in the green chair in the early morning hours.
126 - Team work as hard-boiled eggs are cracked in preparation for lunch.
127 - My husband is alive.

130 - The assurance of heaven for Nana Red.
131 - Jesus as my friend.

133 - Freedom of choice.
134 - Having a supernatural amount of patience to teach when I don't feel like it.

140 - A surprise phone call from The Driver in the middle of my day.

143 - Saying "I love you" without words, but instead with sign language.

145 - Being able to be transparent with my kids.
146 - Random hugs from The Negotiator who just "happens" to know when I need one.
147 - Deviation from our daily fruit smoothie with a Chocolate Candy Cane Jo-Jo milkshake.

150 - Watching the excitement of Mini-Me as she waits in anticipation of the arrival of her youth leader's baby.

Joy. Joy overflowing from the depths of me as I search for another tissue, but this time for tears. Joy has come through the eyes of my children as we join hands on this journey of practicing thanksgiving. I see something changed in them as we go our separate ways for the afternoon. It's little, but I see a glimmer in a gesture of generosity between brothers. A hug freely given. A caring heart when someone gets hurt.

"Eucharisteo always precedes the miracle." - Ann Voskamp

Dust and Cobwebs

2011-01-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

Blowing off the dust and cobwebs from The Mommy Map. I cannot even tell you why they have been allowed to collect here because I do not know, but yet I cannot deny their existence. Maybe it's time for a bit of spring cleaning--in my heart, mind and blog too.

God, in His shepherd-like ways, has been nudging me in this direction for awhile, but I have resisted, keeping my fist and heart tightly closed. Why ever do I do that? I am slowly yielding now, releasing my grip, as He matches my pace out of this place. He is restoring my joy and giving me life abundant. It is slow, but it's coming.

John 10:10b
"I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance."

One of the ways in which He's guiding me into the life He intends for me--the full life--is through the reading of Ann Voskamp's new book release "One Thousand Gifts." I'm not sure that my words could ever be adequate enough to describe its contents. It is causing me to think through, wrestle and respond to Him in the simple gift of something called Eucharisteo. He is giving me the opportunity every day to practice thanksgiving, joy and grace. Practice, practice, practice. Some days are easier than others, but I'm doing it!

One of those ways is through the simple practice of recording what I am thankful for, having eyes to see the gifts that lie all around me--daily.

1. A chorus of voices harmonized in praise to God.
2. Watching The Talker bloom as I simply stop to listen.

5. Listening to Nana patiently work with a smart, but slow learner.
6. Papa who listens as DOP chatters away, making up stories about King Arthur.

8. The clicking of typing that lulls me to sleep as The Driver works into the night.

10. Quiet moments spent listening to the heart of Mini-Me as she grows into a beautiful woman.

12. A community meal shared with good friends.
13. The quiet of the morning before the day begins.

21. Yummy smelling hand soap to awaken my senses in the midst of the daily grind.
22. A surprise St*rbucks from my mom.

25. An afternoon nap after an early morning start.
26. The snuggling up of a child during that afternoon nap.

30. Kids that can bathe themselves.
31. The simplicity of Taco Soup saving me in a pinch.
32. Vanilla Rooibos Latte
33. Littlest One's jovial green eyes that mirror mine.

38. Speaking into the lives of other moms.

40. The smell of sweet oranges.

42. The excitement of a child ready for a sleepover.
43. The loudness of laughter.

It's a simple start, but I am beginning to see that joy, thanksgiving, grace--life abundant--has been here all along it's just that I was so tightly wound--my eyes so tightly shut--that I couldn't see it. Will you join me? I'd love it if you'd read the book, but even more so, what I'd really love is to have some people around me that would journey with me--to encourage me to press on when I really don't want to as I compile my list, practicing day after day how to not just live life, but to live it abundantly.

And something just tells me that as continue to surrender myself to Him, my writing spirit will return.

Shutterfly to the Rescue!

2010-10-27T22:28:00.000-07:00

Oh, the joys & struggles of having a large family. Who'd have ever thought that one of the struggles that comes along with the holiday season, that is quickly bearing down on us, is picking just the right greeting card to send out to friends and family? Of course we could send out a letter highlighting our year, but who the heck has time for that anymore? Not me! But yet, I love receiving Christmas cards with pictures of people so we can pray for them throughout the year and I hope others do the same for us. That's when the mental wrestling match began of whether I should even bother to send out a card or not. Hmm....what to do, what to do?

Well, along came Shutterfly offering me 50 free cards if I'd just blog about it. Having made a Shutterfly book for the adoption journey of Daughter of Purpose, I knew how easy Shutterfly can be. Could it be that Shutterfly could solve my dilemma? You bet. Shutterfly to the rescue! It took me a bit to find a card that wouldn't cost us extra postage, but yet would accommodate the fact that I have 5 children. Not 3, not 4, but 5. I needed 5 slots. I suppose 6 or 7 could work if we included The Driver and me, but that would mean making the time for a picture of the two of us. Did I mention that I wanted this to be easy? 5 picture slots was what I needed and Shutterfly had plenty of options. I had plenty of color schemes to choose from AND I could even find one that didn't just say the generic "Happy Holidays." I actually found one with my pre-requisites that wasn't afraid to let me say, "Merry Christmas." Hooray!

So this is what I chose. I can't wait to input the pics we took recently and to share these with friends and family. Insert pics, wait for my cards to arrive in the mail and then turn around and drop them in the mail again. Easy, easy, easy. So happy I'm going with Shutterfly this year!

You take a bigger look at my holiday card choice here.

You can also view the HUGE variety of holiday cards at http://www.shutterfly.com/. Believe me, Shutterfly has something for everyone! There's even options for Thanksgiving, if you're ahead of the game!

If you have a blog and are interested in receiving 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly, go to http://bit.ly/sfly2010.

Is My Prayer Life Sufficient?

2010-10-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

I was listening to a podcast from Catalyst recently where Kay Warren was interviewed. She spoke alot of wisdom, but a segment in particular stood out to me, especially in light of my most recent post about what is on my plate. The time I first heard the podcast, was right when my friend Mo and I were contemplating 147SpareMoments. This powerful statement by Kay Warren resonated and is still resonating today. Take a peek at her statement and if you have time, listen to the full podcast. (There's a lot of stuff before her that you can forward through). This quote was about 45 minutes in. May it resonate its truth with you also.

"When I am evaluating what I am supposed to be doing at any given time in ministry, I ask is my prayer life sufficient to cover this? If we really believe that we are to live our lives from the inside out--not from the outside in--then I've got to make a commitment to pray for the ministry that I'm involved in. If I can't--if I don't have time to pray for this new area or new responsibility that I'm contemplating--DON'T TOUCH IT. Because if you do it, without that commitment and regular prayer for it and yourself as you do it, you'll be leading from the flesh, you'll be taking away maybe a ministry that someone else was really supposed to do out of your own pride or ego. If you can't pray for it, can't commit to pray for it--DON'T TOUCH IT because it will be of the flesh."

Do you have time to pray for what you are involved in? Is your prayer life sufficient to cover it?

Link to Kay Warren Catalyst Podcast

You can also download this podcast to your iPhone for free. That's what I did!

Spare Moments

2010-09-29T16:14:00.000-07:00

It's been quite awhile since I've written on Mommy Map. I thought for sure I'd have more time during the summer break to write, but apparently God had another plan in mind for me. He wanted me to step away from here and use my time to pour into my children, some of those ways certainly not being what I expected!

One thing that He spoke clearly over me this summer was about creating margins in my life. Just like a book has margins around the edges, we too need margins around the edges of our life. We need room to breathe. I thought I had tried hard to not take on too much, but as I prayed over what was on my plate, He showed me that there was still much to be removed. So I spent that forced slower pace of life as I cared for my daughter in a wheelchair to pray over every single thing in my life, asking God to show me what I needed on my plate and why AND what needed to be removed.

They first thing He showed me was the things that are a part of me that I have no choice over and cannot be removed. He showed me a bit of who I am--some areas I had been in denial over. He showed me beyond the basics of being a wife and mom. He showed me that for now--in this season of life-- I am a ministry wife and homeschool mom.

I was viewing my husband's job as simply that--a job that sucked up a lot of time--and I wasn't enjoying it. I had not fully embraced that as a result of his job, I am a ministry wife--something I never wanted to be. Never say never! I greatly underestimated how much of me is a ministry wife. The praying for my man, the listening to my husband talk & keeping my mouth closed so he has someone to confide in, the attending of church events, the late night power walks as we process through how we do life and ministry hand-in-hand, especially when we see the human side of ourselves and others. The "giving up" of my husband/daddy, time and again, as people need him 24/7. A large part of me serves Him by being who He created me to be as a ministry wife by quietly supporting and enabling my husband to do what he's been called to do.

At one point during the summer, someone was interested in homeschooling so they asked me to share with them about how I do it. It was in those moments, when I gave the details of all that I do--the prepping, the planning--the summer before, monthly, weekly, daily--that I realized how much of me it takes to homeschool my children. Honestly, before that, I had again greatly underestimated how large a part of me is invested in it, especially with five students. Every part of it is just so much a part of my daily life that I didn't think much about it and how it differs from others. Homeschooling is the choice that is right for my family, in this season, so I cannot seperate myself from it. That's two parts of who I am that are unchangeable and take a large portion of me. So what's left? Not much.

Not much is left so as I prayed about what I could do with the rest of me, God said, "Get rid of this and get rid of that. You are doing it out of obligation and it is meaningless to me when that is your heart. I want you to fully embrace who you are with joy and I want you to choose wisely what to do with your remaining time. I want you to choose something that is true worship to Me." Uh...what would THAT be, Lord?

I have been studying Isaiah recently and God says the Israelites were offering their sacrifices, burning their incense, observing their holidays--going thru the religious motions--but there was no heart behind it. He tells them in Isaiah 1:13a, "Stop bringing your meaningless offerings!" That's exactly what I was doing and all of my religious activity was burning me out. I was tired. Through my daughter's broken hip, He gave me rest and time to pray about what He wanted for my life, not what I thought sounded good and might please Him. He taught me that less is more.

Thru a series of His fingerprints, He reminded me about what makes my heart beat faster and yet what makes my heart break all at the same time. He reminded me of my passion for the defenseless. He reminded me of my love for doing creative things with my hands. I was onto something now. My spare moments are few, but maybe there was something I could do to marry the two together. That's when things got crazy--in a good way. Wouldn't you know that one of my closest friends was thinking along the same lines at the same time? Ha! Isn't He so funny the way He orchestrates these things?

As my friend, Mo and I sat at the table together while our kids swam, we joined our ideas together, got really excited about all the possibilites and 147SpareMoments was born. We began a business together on Etsy called 147 Spare Moments--our few spare moments invested in 147 million orphans. We take what we make in our spare time and sell it. 100% of our profit goes to orphans! We are having an amazingly great time at this--investing our spare time where it makes a difference. All it took was creating those margins, thinking and praying through every what and why in our lives and saying, "Lord, this is Your time. Do with it what you want." It's our small offering, but we pray that He will do much with it.

So if you wonder where I've been and why I'm not investing as much into Mommy Map, know that I'm probably creating something for 147SpareMoments. I will write here when I can, but please join us in making a dent in that statistic of there being 147 million orphans. Every little bit counts toward bringing a child home to a family. Check out our shop at:

http://www.147sparemoments.etsy.com/

See you there!

Permission to Speak Freely by Anne Jackson

2010-09-09T23:01:00.000-07:00

Recently I had the privilege of obtaining an advance copy of "Permission to Speak Freely" by Anne Jackson. I was given a complimentary copy in return for my review. Here are my brief thoughts on it:

I have been anxious to read Anne Jackson’s Permission to Speak Freely because her originating question, “What is one thing you feel you can’t say in the church?” has resonated with me. Really I’ve got more than one thing I’d like to say because I am a ministry wife that wishes she had permission to speak freely. I love my Jesus, but have often wished His people weren’t so plastic and full of unreal expectations. Through the powerful artwork interwoven with the storytelling of her book, I have had my scabs ripped off from the wounds of the church and have been given hope for real healing. I have been inspired to look inside myself and make sure that I am not being a part of the plasticness and not perpetuating the secrets that people feel they need to keep. I have been inspired to speak out and share my story in order to help others know they are not alone and so that they might heal also. I am convinced that Permission to Speak Freely is a powerful healing balm that so many touched by the church need. It is a book that I will read a few more times just to let it all sink in and then I will pass it on for others to be given the permission they need to admit their brokenness and then speak freely

Happy Birthday to Littlest One!

2010-08-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

This weekend we are celebrating the life of Littlest One. He's been trying to milk it all month long, but the real celebrating is now. Now is when we reflect back on his life and thank God that He has allowed Littlest One to be a part of our family.

Frankly, after The Negotiator I hoped we were done. I was satisfied with the number of kids I had and tired of having baby after baby. I didn't want another one. I reflect back on those thoughts and look into the smiling face of my Boo and try to imagine life without him. I am thankful that God trumped me because without him I wouldn't have beautiful green eyes shining back and me, nor would I have his comedy at every turn, especially when I need it, nor would I have him cuddling up to me whenever I sit or lay down. I'm so glad God is in charge because I would've missed out on a lot!

Littlest One was and is my true baby. Because I was pregnant or nursing continuously for over 4 years, he is the one that the fog cleared and I actually got to enjoy him--to enjoy having a baby. Before him, I was just going through motions. He is the one I nursed longest and really didn't want to stop because I loved his little body curved into mine. He is the one that I got to really relish in each milestone with. He has been a blessing and I am so glad I didn't have to miss out!

Happy Birthday, Littlest One!

This is the true Littlest One. Comedian at every moment!

Change of Plans

2010-07-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't heard, there's a reason for why I've been silent for quite a bit longer than I had originally anticipated. The week after I returned from camp with Mini-Me, I spent a good portion of it in the hospital with Daughter of Purpose. This was not planned.

While DOP was playing tag at church, she fell awkwardly and broke the top of her femur--they call it the neck of the femur. I knew something was wrong when she wouldn't stop whimpering, seemed to be in unbearable pain and could not put weight on her right leg. She just kept crumpling to the ground whenever I tried to put her down. So off the ER we went. 6 hours later she was in surgery. DOP now has two pins in her hip and is in a wheelchair for 4 weeks. This certainly adds a bit of spice to our life!

My already full life has become fuller so I will post as I can.

Open Letter

2010-06-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Mommy Map readers,
Oh how I love you so, yet you are being left unattended. You see, last week was a wild week and this week is about to get even wilder. I am off into the wild blue yonder with Mini-Me. We are headed to camp. I really didn't want to continue your neglect (I had plans for auto-posting), but packing for me, Mini-Me and preparing everything for the rest of the crew back at home--well, it was a lot. Yet here is the bright side...in order to beat an expiration date on a free Shutt*rfly album, I completed my first ever album in my last moments before leaving! I actually finished DOP's adoption journey in pictures (2 years later)! Woot! A miracle has happened in your midst!

Pray for my family here at home this week. Pray for Mini-Me's first camp experience. Pray for me to be alive when I get back so I can continue writing Mommy Map!

Signed,
The Navigator

Parenting Today with the Future in Mind

2010-06-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

In the past I've done some speaking on "parenting today with the future in mind." Heck, it's kinda how this blog got started. Parenting in such a way that we as parents are intentional in the way we parent. Parenting pro-actively instead of re-actively or as some say, parenting on purpose.

One of the things I've encouraged others to do is to write out a family purpose statement or even just come up with a few goals for your family that you can filter decisions through. It's really not unlike a business model. I'm one of those coo-coo people that attends business or leadership seminars and twists it in my mind as to how it can apply to family life. That's where my thought process came from on this. I observed businesses establishing a purpose statement that was used as a guide to keep their company on the right track for which it was originally started. Our church even does it--"Helping people to find Jesus Christ and follow Him fully." They make decisions for the church as a whole based on whether it fits within those parameters. I mean really now, doesn't it make sense that we do the same for our families? Don't you want to have an idea of where you're headed or do you prefer to blunder through each day? Do you have an idea of what you'd like your family/children to be like some day or do you just cross your fingers and hope for a miracle? How will you get there if you don't have some sort of plan of action or maybe a guiding principle to get you there?

Thus said, I did create one of these for my children when they were toddlers and it served us well for a period of time, but as my children have gotten older, I have wanted to formulate a new purpose statement because our needs have changed a bit, yet I haven't ever gotten to it. In my perfectionist way, I never really tackled it because I wanted it to be perfect on the first shot and ready for framing on my wall! I wasn't willing to write out a few ideas and then let them simmer into perfection over time.

Recently, I've gotten a reminder about this desire and thus decided to get over my bad perfectionist self and to just start writing. In an effort to possibly help others get started, I am going to share with you my very rough list of ideas. I still have to work them through in my mind as to what I want to add/remove and then decide if I want to formulate them into one fancy statement or to have bullet points. Still simmering...

Please keep in mind that my purpose for my family is going to look different than yours. You are welcome to use it as a place to get ideas and then form it to fit your family.

Early years purpose statement:

God has given me the vision to stay home with my children so that I might raise them to be a sweet perfume to whoever they come into contact with--behaviorally, spiritually & personality-wise. I also want to challenge them intellectually and allow them to creatively experience life to the fullest. I want them to enjoy life and likewise me to enjoy them. I thank God for the opportunity to stay home so that I have the chance to get to know them well in hopes that I can foster who God has made them and help give them opportunities in which to blossom regardless of their different personalities and needs.

Last week I had some drive time to sit with my husband and hammer out some current backbones of a new family purpose statement:

Train and equip our children for adulthood. Not only in their actions like practical life skills and job skills, but also in character.
We as the parents will work to be evermindful that we cannot just say what we believe, we must live what we say we believe.
We will make sure that all of our children know that they are a blessing to us and they have our approval, regardless of the choices they make or who they become. They will always have our blessing over them.
Help our children find & foster their personal gifts and talents--working alongside them to find their purpose and to pray diligently that they will not have a sense of wandering and not know what they are here for.
We will work to raise our children to be leaders of the next generation. Children know who they are and what they stand for. Stand out as light in a dark world.
Giving them a Biblical foundation/worldview. Equip them with practical skills like memorizing God's Word, knowing how to read their Bibles, how to study it themselves and to be in the habit of having a quiet time with the Lord each day.
Putting our faith, as a family, into action by using our lives to be a part of the solution in meeting the needs of the defenseless.
Family will be our priority. We will aim to make sure that our family does not get the leftovers.
Keeping our daughter's Russian heritage alive/our heart for Eastern Europe at the forefront of our mind and actions.

Rather illustrious don't ya think? Well, we've gotta shoot high so at we have something to weed down from! Gotta shorten it somehow too, but again, it's just a start. Who knows, maybe we're even failing at some of them already or will fail, but at least we can try to aim in that direction. The purpose for us is to use it as a guide as we make decisions for our family. As new things come across our life path, we will filter it through these statements and ask ourselves if they fit. If not, the answer is no thank you. Simple as that.

Here's some examples: when someone asks one of us to join a committe, be a leader of a ministry or to go on a mission trip. Since my husband is on staff at our church, this happens to us all of the time. So we go to our family purpose statments and filter it. Does it fit for us to go to Haiti when our heart is for Eastern Europe? Should we serve the low-income kids, as a family, on a Saturday when Saturday is our Daddy's only full day off with us? Should I participate in a ministry that I love, but is on the only night we have together as a family? Should I take on being the coordinator for a ministy that I know I can do well, but will leave me exhausted and little time for my kids (and my husband, for that matter)? Does The Talker want to join choir with his sister since she is in it, but yet singing is not really his thing? Should we make our kids take piano lessons even though we've had a piano sitting in our home for over 12 years and no one has expressed one iota of interest in it? What about when our whole family enrolls in soccer? What if one of my kids doesn't want to, but wants to pursue baseball instead? Should we sign up our kids for a particular children's ministry just because everyone else is or should be skip it and find something else that is better suited for them and our family?

My list could go on, but I hope you get the point. We live in a culture, even the church, that offers us more options than we know what to do with, but we are only in this life once. We only get one shot to live it with purpose. I only have 18 years to pour into my children's lives. I don't know about you, but I don't want to waste it. So go ahead, do some thinking about what you want for your family in the years to come. Think backwards and figure out some statements/goals that will help you figure out how to stay on that road toward your end goal. Don't be a perfectionist like me. Put your thoughts onto paper, talk with your husband and get his input, pray, let them simmer and then refine them. After that...go for it! Live your life like every day matters!

*Some books that have been helpful in relation to formulating a family vision statement:
"The Danger of Raising Nice Kids" by Timothy Smith and "Visioneering" by Andy Stanley.

Our Personal Road Map

2010-06-15T16:43:00.000-07:00

A long time ago I saw this idea in Family Fun magazine, bought what we needed to put it into action and then promptly shoved it away in a closet to be useless for years on end. Why that happened, I don't know. However, despite this little idea being a bit past my kids age, we decided to break it out this week and it has been a blast. I wonder if your kids might enjoy doing something like this too.

What we did was pull out that very large piece of canvas I had stowed away, along with the fabric markers and created our own personal road map for small cars to drive on. At this point, will my kids ever drive their hot wheels all over it? Probably not, but the process was precious to us.

Over the course of the last week, we've looked at ideas on-line for road placement and building ideas. We also brainstormed and took a trip down memory lane about places we've been or frequently go--the places that are important to us as a family. Once we were ready, I drew (with much supervision from my kids) the roads on the our road map. After that, they took over. They each spent the whole day yesterday drawing what they felt needed to be on our map. It was such a blast for me to sit back and listen to them talk about all of these places and share why they thought they should be a part of our personal map. They worked together in amazing way!

My favorite part of it all was later last night when I stood with The Driver and checked out in detail what they'd deemed worthy of our family map. It had a bat cave (drawn by The Talker, of course), In-N-Out Burger, Trader J*es, Costco, our church, hospital with helipad, museum, and more. It even came complete with handiapped parking spaces! It was such a hoot! I only wish I could get a better picture for you!

A Simple Arguing Philosophy

2010-06-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

Now that summer is here, I seem to get more questions from other moms about how I deal with arguing among my children. I have this simple philosophy that I use all year long that seems to do the trick. I have to confess I stole it from my friend, Trina, a few years back. I think the use of this philosphy just comes into play more during the summer months because the kids have more free time and less structure. Here is goes:

"If you have energy to argue, then you've got energy to work."

Thus, I have a list I keep for these specific times at my ready. Whoever is arguing will have to spend time doing one of these activities with their sibling. Usually by completion of the task, they have figured out how to get along and to work together. If not, they will be assigned another task to complete until I see them working together.

Weeding the garden for a specified amount of time or until a specific area is completed.
Cleaning out the car.
Cleaning the toilets.
Sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Clean the bathtubs.
Wipe every doorjam of fingerprints.
Vacuum, dust, and wipe down a specified room.

Don't be surprised if they continue their arguing for a bit as they start their task, but eventually they begin to see beyond the end of their own nose and realize that they'd better figure out a way to get along or they'll be doing this task for a r-e-a-l-l-y long time!

Don't be afraid to make your children work through situations they struggle with. Separating them in their own rooms and avoiding the problem will never solve it. They won't learn how to get along. It just takes practice. Coaching them through what is the right behavior and giving them the opportunity to do it over and over again until they get it right. More on that later this week...

My New Career

2010-06-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

I'm starting a new career. Starting this week, I'm going to be a mail carrier. My route will be my own house. You see, I've got this hairbrained idea to foster a bit of encouragement, kind words and thinking positive. It should also help my kids to keep their handwriting, spelling and general writing skills fresh. I am going to run a post office for my family.

This summer (and maybe longer depending on how it goes) each person in my family is going to have a "mailbox" for other people in the family to send notes of encouragement or pictures to. I've been trying to think of ways to foster all of these things just like we do with our stockings at Christmas. I've wished for it to be year round. I'm thinking this is gonna work because who in the world doesn't love to get mail? Whether it's e-mail or snail mail there's always such joy at receiving mail!

All I did was purchase two of these 3-drawer organizers. Each person gets a drawer (The Driver and I have to share) as their mailbox. I originally was going to save cardboard boxes or buy some simple little baskets from the dollar store, but after much thought...I decided this was the best choice for our family. Anything can work. Be creative. In fact, letting your kids decorate their mailbox might be a fun idea too! Just find what you think will work for you and your family.

Off I go to fulfill my new role. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm hoping it's a success, but I promise to tell you if it's a flop cause I'd hate to lead you astray!

Exposing Secrets

2010-06-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

The Mommy Map is mostly about parenting and marriage, but if you're going to join me on this journey then you will also have to wander down the path with me as I wrestle with the unjust things of the world. I daily wrestle with the staggering statistics of the defenseless. Things like there being 147 million orphans in the world. There are people who don't even know where their next meal will come from and yet I have a pantry brimming with food. Some lack fresh, clean water to drink and yet I get fussy when I have to drink tap water vs filtered water. And there's sex trafficking...all of it bothers me greatly, but this one just gets my goat (Did I just say, "gets my goat?") the most.

Over the past few years, God has been trickling info about sex trafficking to me. He knew I couldn't take more than that because sex trafficking is personal, but yet now it seems the fire hose has opened up and I am constantly inundated with more information than I know what to do with. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed I just weep. Sometimes I just want to curl up in the fetal position because of the pain I feel for what is happening to these girls. Eastern Europe is especially close to our hearts. The Driver and I desire to return to Eastern Europe and have prayed about how God would use us to help those who cannot help themselves, but yet we both feel that we are to wait. Wait for what we do not know, but until we know what we are waiting for, we will use our voices to open peoples eyes to what goes on--not just in other countries, but even here in America. We will not be a part of keeping it secret because we might offend someone. We will work to expose the secret and educate others. Most importantly of all, we will be on our knees praying for the defenseless and against those who would seek to do them harm. Read the following statistics, let it sink in and join me in prayer.

1.2 million children are trafficked every year; this is in addition to the millions already held captive by trafficking

Every 2 minutes a child is being prepared for sexual exploitation

The average victim is forced to have sex up to 40 times a day

The average age of a trafficked victim is 14 years old

Sex trafficking is an engine of the global AIDS epidemic

By 2010 Sex Trafficking will be the number one crime worldwide

As I read these statistics, I was challenged to set an alarm to go off every 2 minutes so that I could truly see what it means that "every 2 minutes a child is being prepared for sexual exploitation." Yikes! It was disturbing as I putzed around my kitchen, hearing that timer go off so frequently. I dare you to do the same and to pray every time your timer goes off. The defenseless need you.

*These statistics were found at http://www.sheispriceless.com/.

The Neighborhood Boredom Bucket

2010-06-04T00:04:00.000-07:00

I think it's a good sign when I find the neighbor kids in my house, claiming they are bored and dipping into our Boredom Bucket. What a sweet moment when they pulled the slip that required them to make something from recycled items and they did it!

Boredom Bucket

2010-06-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

Now that summer is here, we decided to ready our big gun. We spent some time yesterday filling up our Boredom Bucket. I got this idea from a friend and decided to put it into personal use because I currently have one particular child that regularly tells me he's bored. He plows through his schoolwork and then doesn't know what to do with his extra time. If this is a problem for him during school, I just have this feeling that he might drive me mad with the extra time on his hands during summer vacation! Thus, I am being pro-active on this issue because I do not care to have a repeatative conversation each day about how we have a house full of things to do and I am not here to entertain him.

In this bucket, we placed 1" stips of paper that had things to do written on them. It actually turned out to be an awesome project for the kids to help with because they not only got involved in thinking up some of the ideas, but also they were forced to think through how to spell things and write it out themselves.

The idea is that when someone says they are bored, they are to go to the Boredom Bucket and pick out something to do. If they are so bored that they must partake from the bucket, then they must do what the slip of paper tells them to do. It's a risk they take because some of them are great things and some of them are not.

We started out by writing down things we could think of on our own, but then began to resort to our "Family Fun Boredom Busters" book. We also perused through some of our years and years of old/current Family Fun magazines. We also put in a few duplicate slips. In case you wanted to start your own Boredom Bucket (or jar or bottle), here is our exhaustive list to help you get started. This may be a bit long, but I hate it when people only give a few ideas. Sometimes I just need more than a few to get my brain jump started!

Write a letter.
Work on the family puzzle (We always have a 1000 piece one going during vacations.)
Make a paperclip chain.
Take out the trash.
Take out the compost.
Do someone's jobs (chores) for them.
Play Simon Says.
Make a watercolor painting.
Play kitchen with your sister.
Listen to a book on CD.
Dress up in a costume.
Play a board game.
Make a snack for everyone.
Ask Mom if you can make a batch of cookies.
Practice your cursive writing.
Do a Math Facts worksheet.
Make someone's bed for them.
Make something out of aluminum foil.
Play with Polly Pockets.
Make your bed.
Play in the sand table.
Play lightsabers.
Make something out of recycled items.
Clean your room.
Water the backyard grass.
Write a note of encouragement to a sibling.
Practice your typing.
Listen to music.
Play Penny Basketball.
Do one page in your school workbook.
Play in the backyard.
Use stickers to make a picture.
Sweep the floor.
Make a necklace or bracelet.
Play with hackey sacks.
Time yourself doing something (ie: how many times can you snap your fingers in 1 minute, etc.)
Invent a secret code.
Go bug catching.
Fill in a US States map.
Ride your bike.
Sing your favorite song.
Read your Bible.
Have a Lego contest.
Read a book to your sister.
Make a design with the geometric shape blocks.
Make a book.
Play house with someone.
Clean out the trash from the car.
Clean the mirrors in the bathrooms.
Build a fort.
Create a picnic lunch/dinner for the family.
Play with bubbles outside.
Read outloud to someone.
Draw with stencils.
Organize something.
Practice cartooning.
Sweep and mop the floor.
Pick another card.
Take out the recycling.
Read a book.
Take a nap.
Draw a picture for a friend.
Pretend you are on a bus, train or plane.
Play with Zho Zho pets.
Pull out the Family Fun magazines or book, choose an activity and do it.
Play Legos.
Play a card game.
Play Red Light, Green Light or Duck, Duck, Goose.
Climb a tree.
Play baseball/T-ball.
Get rid of one of your toys or stuffed animals to give to a child in need.
Write 5 things you are thankful for.
Play dodgeball.
Play I-Spy.
Read "find-it" books.
Make something with pipe cleaners.
Play with playdough or modeling clay.
Make something with toothpicks or straws.
Jump rope.
Ask mom to help you make something in the kitchen.
Make up or discover a new game from a book.
Vacuum.
Pretend to be a pet vet.
Make a paper hat.
Clean the toilet.
Pull weeds for 15 minutes.
Memorize a verse or poem.
Water the plants.
Make a treasure hunt.
Make something for one of your siblings.
Write a thank you note.
Play Wii Sports Resort for 15 minutes.
Build with blocks.
Run through the sprinklers.
Make a store or restaurant and invite your siblings to it.
Play soccer.
Make puppets and put on a show.
Pick a "Try This Now" from the back of Family Fun and do it.
Make up words on the calculator.
Make popsicles for the family.
Blow up balloons.
Play with your stuffed animals.
Practice your spelling words.
Pick up things around the house and put them away.
Draw using different techniques.
Rub Mommy or Daddy's back.
Draw a big picture on butcher paper.
Play Monkey in the Middle.
Ride your scooter.
Run a few laps in the backyard.
Do a craft project.
Use sidewalk chalk.
Fold laundry and put it away.
Listen to KLOVE.
Play with Littlest Pet Shop.
Create an obstacle course for others to play.
Give someone a hug.
Make a bowling game with cups.
Take a bath or shower.
Make a picture with buttons.
Fold the blankets in the living room.
Play frisbee.
Use the dry erase board. Play tic-tac-toe, etc.
Learn how to make a blade of grass whistle.
Wipe the downstairs bathroom.
Go on a 100 hunt. (Collect 100 of an item.)
Pet the cats and feed them.
Ask Mom if she needs help with anything and do it happily!
Read a Lego magazine.
Do a random act of kindness for someone.
Make a paper airplane.
Use the word magnets to create sentences or even a story.
Turn on the music and dance.
Practice hammering with nails.
Read your school book.
Teach your sister to spell a new word.
Write a story and draw pictures to go with it.
Go on a nature walk in the backyard. Make something with what you find.
Wipe the fingerprints/dirt off of doorframes.
Play on the computer for 15 minutes.
Make a collage.

This is our complete list for now, but I intend to add in a few more as I think of them. I also am going to sit down and do this again in about 6 weeks. We really weren't done, but figured it was enough for now. It is enough to get them started, now let's hope this is enough to get YOU started!

Happy Birthday to Daughter of Purpose!

2010-06-02T13:57:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrate the birth of our Daughter of Purpose. She is turning 6 today, but yet this is only our third opportunity to celebrate with her. Her first 3 birthdays were in a Russian orphanage. Sometimes that fact grieves me, but yet I know that I cannot dwell on missing out on the joyous day of her birth. There is some sort of purpose for her being there and not here during that time frame. I may never know or understand that. I wish I could've been there to hold her and love on her. It bothers me to think of her laying in a Russian hospital all alone. Yet I have hope. I have hope knowing that I have a God with the name El Roi. El Roi is the God who sees. It gives me comfort to know that even though I was not there on the day of my daughter's birth...He was. El Roi was there and He saw her. He celebrated her birth and watched over her and orchestrated her path to end up in our family. He saw and He still sees her. He sees her here in our family and still dances with joy, probably even more joy now that she's home.

I do not know any details of her birth mother, but on this day I also stop to remember her, pray for, wonder a bit about her and to thank God for her because without her I wouldn't have this precious treasure to call my daughter.

Happy Birthday, Daughter of Purpose! Can't wait to walk this journey of life with you and to see what purposes God has in mind for you that could not be accomplished any other way than to be here in our family in America.

The top picture is her first birthday celebration with us--two weeks after her arrival in the US.

Left pic: DOP with one of our friends at an international costume party.

Right pic: DOP on our vacation this spring.

Perspective

2010-05-31T17:49:00.000-07:00

As I sat a preschooler's birthday party today and listened to children crying because it was nap time and watched as parents negotiated as to who would be in the pool with the kids, it reminded me of a recent day at the park. It was at that park that I observed nearly 20 young moms wanting desperately to talk to one another and yet having to chase after thier little ones. I could see the look on their faces and hear in their voice the exasperation at being needed so much.

It was at that park and again today that God spoke to me and said,

Ecclesiates 3:1
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."

He said, "Remember those days? Remember that was was like? Remember thinking that surely you would die from being needed so much? I sustained you, didn't I?"

I replied, "Yep, I sure do remember those days really clearly, Lord, and You are right, You did sustain me."

He said, "I want you to keep each season fresh in your mind and I want you to encourage those mommies I give you contact with. I want you to give them perspective and remind them that what they are experiencing is merely a season. They feel like they will be in this place forever and yet you are evidence that a new season will come."

He was right (Of course He was right, He is God!). As I sat at that park and as I sat at that party, I could sit back and allow my children to roam freely. I didn't have to worry about them like I used to. I didn't have to help them get their food, help them in the bathroom, nor did I have to deal with a melt down due to it being nap time. Ya know what? I DO remember those days clearly and I really never thought I'd make it here...where I can relax a bit and trust my children to make wise choices on their own.

For everything there is a season. I can remember many times thinking that for sure my children would be damaged for life because of some character or activity they were into like trading Pokemon cards or being into "the dark side" from Star Wars and yet today those issues don't really matter. Funny how I stressed over those things so much and yet today they don't even give them a second thought and it doesn't impact who they are. Yes, there are things worthy of my stress and attention, but yet I look back and see how much worry I wasted because I didn't have good perspective.

Mama friend, please know this. You are doing a great job watching over the charges God has entrusted into your care, but please keep some perspective. Don't worry so much! Relax and know that for everything there is a season. You may not feel like the season you are in is ever going to come to an end, but the reality is that it will. Before you know it, you'll be on the other side. Your little ones will not need you forever. You will have plenty of time to yourself soon and before you know it, you'll be reaping the harvest of your hard work as you see your children use their manners without being reminded and showing tenderness and compassion to others. You'll be able to relax and truly enjoy them, wondering all the while what you got so uptight about!

Ecclesiates 3:1

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."

Lift your head up, this too shall pass.

Taking it S-L-O-W

2010-05-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

I am wrestling with a bout of tendonitis. My whole right arm is in quite a bit of pain. Thus I cannot do any of the things I enjoy, like crocheting or writing (paper or computer). I can't even do the things I don't enjoy doing like ironing or cleaning toilets. So I am doing my best to continue writing with only my left hand. Let's just say it is S-L-O-W...so I will post as I can finish what I've written in my head.

Practice Makes Perfect

2010-05-25T16:23:00.000-07:00

Do your children have habits that absolutely drive you nuts? I'm not talking personality. I'm talking about things that they do that make you want to tear out your hair. Mine do and I imagine they are not the only children on earth with "issues."

I wonder, what do you do when your children do their "thing" that sends you through the roof? Do you get frustrated and yell at them? Do you just give up and take care of the problem yourself while grumbling under your breath?

I'll let you in on some of the things that go on in my home and maybe you'll see what I'm talking about. My children slam doors, never seem to be able to hang up their towels after they bathe themselves and I always find jackets on the floor right under the hook they are supposed to hang on. I've also been driven batty by children who just don't seem to know how to get in and out of the car.

It is in these moments when I think I'm going to blow a gasket that I think to myself, "Hmm...have I ever taught my children how to do these things? Have I ever given them practice at doing it right?" That's when I decide to stop harping and begin to do some training.

I remember the time that I tired of picking up damp towels. In order to teach my children how to hang them up on their own, I began taking all of their towels all over the house and dumping them in various locations. I called them all together, explained what we were going to practice and showed them the skill of hanging a towel without it falling to the ground immediately. We did this skill practice over and over again for about 20 minutes. Lesson taught and now it's not so much a headache anymore.

There was also the time that The Driver was losing patience with slamming doors (especially our back door that slams as the kids run out to the backyard). The next day while The Driver was at work, I decided to take the bull by the horns and made this a skill we practiced. In, out, in, out, in, out--with no slamming. A little training did the trick.

Having the kids practice hanging up their jackets was similar to the towel escapade, but I'll never forget (and neither will my children) the evening we dedicated to training them how to enter and exit the car. We showed them what we wanted it to look like and they were required to file in, in a specific order, get in their seats and to put on thier seatbelt. Once I gave the signal, they reversed what they had just done. No whining and fighting about who was first. No dancing around the car until I barked at them to get in their seat. No child left without their seatbelt done. No frustrated Mommy. It was simply in and out until it was understood what was expected.

For the most part, I don't have problems with these issues I've trained my kids on, but every once in a while they just need a little reminder. Like at the beginning of every summer when they start running in out out of the backyard. Just a simple reminder training session about slamming doors and we're good to go. Same for the jackets when the weather turns cold.

By now, they also understand that when we do these times of training, the longer they fool around, the longer we will continue the training. So by now, if there are any new things that come up, they know to focus on what I'm teaching and they'll be done a lot quicker!

So I ask you again, what are some of those things your kids do that drive you crazy? Maybe it's time to ask yourself if you've ever shown them what you want and given them time to practice it over and over until they get it right. It's not hard. It just takes time. Time that will save you a lot of headaches later in the game.

Happy Birthday to The Negotiator!

2010-05-19T13:06:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrate the birth of The Negotiator. It was such fun to go back through pictures to post for you. Sometimes I wish I could just post a whole bunch of the "little preschool" I had going on. 4 under 4...how in the world did I do that? It was a very tough time, but yet I miss it. When I look back at my precious children when they were so little, I wish it would've lasted just a little bit longer. I was pretty good about trying to enjoy the moment, but even then, it still went too fast. Someday I'll have to post a few of the crew. Those who know them now would get a good chuckle as you'd see reflections of who they are today.

For today though, we relish in the gift of The Negotiator. As a younger child, he was quite melancholy. We used to refer to him as Oscar (as in the Grouch) because he rarely smiled and would turn into a pumpkin without fail at 5:00 pm every day. He even continuously wore a bright green sweatshirt with Oscar the Grouch on it. I always knew when he didn't feel good or was upset because he'd put his hood on. I think it brought him comfort somehow. He was also a Mama's Boy (and still is today). He can be the life of the party, but yet very introspective. He's the one to question every decision I make, trying to get me to change my mind and work things in his favor (hence the fact that he struggles with selfishness). In fact, he questions everything. Just today he randomly asked me why the Statue of Liberty is holding a book and a torch. He also wondered if it was modeled after a real person or a made up statue of an unreal person. He just doesn't accept things at face value.

Although once quite grumpy, he is now the member of our family that makes friends easily, can be compassionate when he choses to and can be quite protective of his siblings. He's one of my cuddlers and his growing size has not stopped him from curling up with me for a nap every once in awhile. He's always the one to stop in for a hug at least once per day. He's great at memorizing things and rapidly hides God's Word in his heart. Who knows what God will do with him some day. I'm looking forward to finding out!

My Weapon of Choice

2010-05-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

I wonder, do you have one of these in your home? It's the simplest thing, yet it one of the most valuable things I own. When the chips are down and I'm having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and I'm thinking of moving to Australia...well, this is my weapon of choice to combat that bad day. I don't even know what it's called, but I know what it's full of. It's full of God's word. It's full of my handwritten verses of choice. Different seasons have led me to write down different things. Some encourage me, some focus me and some are what I'm specifically trying to memorize, but all have a purpose that means something to ME. If you happen to have one, I bet yours if completely different.

When the chips are down (and even when they are not) this spiral bound little book of 3x5 cards is my best friend. Yes, I could carry my Bible around with me, but what I love about my "little book" is that it has all of the verses I reference in my mind all in one place so I can find them quickly. When I want to find that verse about not being weary, I just a flip a few pages and I'm there. When I want to post a certain verse in my face to read throughout the day, I set it in the kitchen or in my bathroom so I am forced to read it over and over again. When I miss out on my quiet time, I grab my "little book" and carry it with me wherever I am and flip through each verse, helping me focus my mind on where it needs to be for that day. All of my favorite verses are at my fingertips. I don't have to flip through the whole Bible and remember exactly where that verse was from 2 years ago. It's right there in my "little book" waiting for me.

Ephesians 6:10-17
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Two Years Ago Today...

2010-05-17T17:49:00.000-07:00

Daughter of Purpose, April 2008

(in the orphanage)

Daughter of Purpose, May 2009

Two years ago today, The Driver, Daughter of Purpose and I boarded a plane in Moscow, Russia. The weather was in the 40s and we were headed back home to America after a long month of living in the Arctic Circle. 11 hours later we stepped off the plane into 102 degree weather. What a welcome, huh?

Well, it's been two years and it's amazing what a difference 2 years makes. Daughter of Purpose is a whole new person inside and out and we are certainly a different family!

Who'd have ever thought that a little girl in Russia would be able to learn English and within 2 years, be presented with awards for memorizing God's Word? What an amazing God we have!

Daughter of Purpose, May 2010

Summer Ideas: Books on CD

2010-05-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about summer. Not for myself this time, but for my kids. What will I have them do this summer? How will I fill their time? I'm not one for packing every moment full of crazy, busy activities. However, since we have more time on our hands, I desire to have some "cards in my pocket" for when I hear the "I'm bored" scenario. At this point these ideas are written in my mind, but I will eventually physically write them down for my kids to resort to on their own. I've even got a friend who writes her ideas down on little slips of paper and sticks them in a jar. Some are fun and some are work. It's a gamble when her kids say they're bored and reach into that jar. They could end up doing a chore or they could end up doing something really awesome! I'm gonna share a few of my ideas with you in hopes to inspire you to come up with your own creative list, but for today I'll start out simple.

This is one of those activities that I resort to in a bind during school days, but can certainly be used during the slower summer days. Break out your CD with headphones and pop in a book on CD. We've got short ones and we've got long ones. We've even got some that we downloaded off the web and are on one of our iPods. However you go about it, this activity can keep little (or big) ones busy doing something screen-less and learning along the way.

The Possibilities

2010-05-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

Our school days will be ending soon and it leaves me dreaming about the possibilites of summer. I'm not one of those that dreads summer. I long for it because I love being able to play with my kids. I enjoy their company, but during the school year our days are full with not much extra time. The days of summer are the ones that I get to dabble in my hobbies, but yet be spontaneous by catching a free movie, stopping by J*mba Juice or playing in the pool with my kids. It's also a great time for organizing or catching up on a few fix-it projects. Maybe this is the summer we'll actually finish painting the upstairs...

Dreaming about summertime also brings me face-to-face with the real me. I know myself well enough to know that if I am not in a biblestudy or reading a book along with others, I will not do anything constructive with my mind and then as a result...with my life. In the spirit of being pro-active, I've lined up a few books for me to conquer this summer so that I can keep my mind fresh.

Just this week, I dusted off my "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. I used to refer to this book so often that it's got wrinkled pages and coffee stains on it. I can testify that when I have spent time regularly praying for my man, I have seen His power released. Not sure why I stopped, maybe it was the distraction of learning how to pray for my children, but I've decided that I want to get back into that habit again. Summer sounds like a perfect time to get that off the ground.

I also have in mind to read through "So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend" by Beth Moore. She's one of my favorite speakers and who doesn't struggle with insecurity? It sounds like it's got some things I need to think about...and maybe change. Yikes!

I'm also looking forward to reading some fiction, Scared and Priceless by Tom Davis. I've chosen these two books specifically because they are fiction, but yet powerfully close to the real thing. I need that. I need books that make me stay tuned to the fact that there is a real, hurting world out there with a reality far removed from mine. It keeps me from being comfortable in my American life. It keeps me praying for God to break my heart like His and to seek ways to become a part of the solution.

Summer is coming with its endless list of possibilities. I'm sure your list of activities will be as full as mine, but in midst of all of your planning--don't forget to plan out how to keep yourself connected to Him.

Mommy Map is Back

2010-05-10T16:33:00.000-07:00

Well, today is May 10th--the day I promised that Mommy Map would be back. I am a woman of my word so here I am!

This month of vacation from writing has flown by and everything I said would happen has happened, except one. I didn't quite get to that Esty storefront yet, but I certainly got more crocheting done than I expected. That's good news. I did create an account and read the mile long list of do's and don'ts for selling. That's a start. Right? I think that once summer has started, I'll tackle that one.

Only 3 more weeks of school left and I am so excited by all that is winding down. I have purposely not filled up my schedule this summer. I want to actually relish and enjoy it, not run through it and arrive at the new school year feeling like I was hit by a truck. Think of the possibilites! I could write. I could crochet. I could read. I could nap. Maybe I'll just never leave my room the whole summer. Think anyone would notice? Hee, hee.

Well, Mommy Map is back. I've got a few writing ideas brewing, but mostly I'm relying on the Lord to show up and tell me what to write. Come along and see ~~what crazy detail of my life He tells me to share with you~~ where He leads!

Mommy Map Vacation

2010-04-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

I've heard of bloggers taking a break from their blog, but never really understood it. Now that I've been writing regularly--I get it. This is the time of year that gets a bit hairy for me since I help create the yearbook for our school. Add a family vacation on top of that and it's a bit crazy, to say the least. Oh yes, and then there is the Etsy site I am trying to get off the ground for my crocheting. Before I lose my mind, I decided to take a little vacation from Mommy Map for a month. It was not an easy decision to make, but don't worry friends--I'll be back! In fact, I'll be back on May 10th. See you then!

P.S. Please don't forget to continue your prayers for those in Eastern Europe who are working to help stop sex trafficking. Even though I'm on a bit of a vacation, they are not and would covet your prayers and for you to spread the word so that we can put an end to sex trafficking!

Living the Life of a Zombie

2010-04-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

"One of the great uses of Twitter and Facebook will be to prove at the Last Day that prayerlessness was not from lack of time." - John Piper

I am not a reader of John Piper and really have no idea what he's about, but what I do know is this...his quote is dead on. As much as I love technology it is technology with which I wrestle. I know I am not alone. I believe that technology is an incredible tool with amazing benefits and we cannot hide from it. It is represents today and it will be in our future even more so. As a parent, I seek to train my children how to balance the technological world in which they are growing up in and yet not become a slave to it. It is my job to equip them to use it so they will be able to survive in such a culture, but also to help them learn to set boundaries.

As is with myself. I love to read blogs and learn from other peoples lives. I am a graphics person. I am also a writer and I certainly love maintaining this blog, always learning new things about how those mesh together along the way. I love the way it keeps my mind fresh and is a place for me to journal. It keeps me writing to know that other people are inspired or helped by what I share, even if it is just one person. It energizes me to know that someone learned from my mistakes so they did not have to travel that road. It gives me an outlet to minister to others when my days are filled with many children and I don't have a lot of extra time on my hands to meet up one-on-one with people. These are all great things and yet I have had to create boundaries by only writing on week days and not expecting myself to write every single day. I have also had to create time limits so that I don't spend too much time reading others blogs.

I am a user of Facebook and Twitter and as much as I love the social connection it gives me with other people throughout my days at home as I school my kids, it can suck away valuable time with my children and husband. It can also rob me of the time I need to just be alone. It concerns me that social media creates a sort of "false sense of community." Yes, I apparently have 240 friends, but are they really my friends? Do I have regular face-to-face conversations with these people and will they be there for me when I need to share my heart and will they be by my side through the tough stuff? Do they really have any clue what's really going on in my life or do they just know silly, useless facts about me like what I ate for dinner or that I hate making beds?

I am an iPhone user. I LOVE my iPhone. I love having everything I need--my Bible, my social media, a place to take and store notes, address book, access to send/receive e-mail, the ability to get on the internet and most certainly GPS (because I'm navigationally challenged). I've got games to play in a pinch and apps that can find my favorite restaurants no matter where I am. Oh yes, I've even got my favorite music and sermon downloads to listen to whenever I want. What more could I want? Well honestly, as much as I love that I have all of those things available to me in one place and access to them whenever I want...sometimes I just want a bit of peace and quiet. Sometimes I just want to be unreachable because I need to unplug.

You see as much as I am all for using technology as a tool and I want to prepare my children for the future, I find that the use of technology can so easily entangle me without me noticing until it permeates every nook and cranny and I am stuck wondering how it got this way. Technology is a great tool, but if left unattended can take over.

You see, the enemy is a sly guy. He knows how to take something that can be used for good and slip it into to our lives so that "it" becomes more important than our God. Believe me, I know first hand how it happens. I'm good at rationalizing its use. I tell myself that I'll just spend a few minutes on Facebook after the kids go to bed and then I'll spend time with my husband. Next thing I know it is an hour later and I've wasted that time on...nothing really. What did I really get done? Maybe I've had "one of those days" and I just want to turn off my brain so I decide to "just play a few rounds" of the game on my phone. Next thing I know I've wasted 30 minutes. That's 30 minutes I can't get back. Then there's the justification I have with myself that I will "just check my e-mail really quickly" before I open my Bible in the morning. Guess what? The time I had for a quiet time just got shot out the door becuase I "just had to answer those important e-mails." Another excuse I use is that I will "just quickly check Twitter and Facebook." Yes, it may have been a quick thing, but how many "quick checks" have I done today?

When I read the John Piper quote, it kicked me in the butt. It kicked me in the butt because I knew it was right. I knew that even though I love technology and it can be used for good, I knew that the Enemy was accomplishing his goals. He was using it to fill my time and my thought life (ever found yourself thinking in status updates?) with how important I was that I needed to connect with my friends, answer e-mails or update people on what I was wearing that day. I needed to turn off my mind to my world and tune it into technology. Somehow selling me that reading what was on a screen was a break for my mind.

When I read that quote, I began to realize what had happened to me. I had become a technology zombie. I was missing out on conversations and fun with my kids because I was tuned into my computer. I was missing out on moments with my man because I wasted it on people I don't know very well. I let precious moments with my Savior slip away because "my time" was more important than time with Him. I justified that some of it was no big deal because it was just a snippet of time, but then I began to realize that I'd been robbed there too. Now I found myself no longer meditating on scripture and praying. I was too busy checking in to see what others were doing. I also found my mind fuzzy because it was clogged with a whole lot of nothing instead of keeping it sharp with useful information. So all around, because I had let something so simple get out of control, everyone that really matters in life had ended up the loser (well except my fake friends on FB). My God, my husband, my children and even myself were at the short end of the stick.

That Satan...he's a crafty one. I was gonna say, "who knew", but he knew. Satan knew that something so seemingly simple and harmless would do the most damage. In our parents day and age, it was TV. The Enemy has upped the anty now girls. Be wise and see it for what it is! The internet, the TV, the computer, your phone, and computer gaming systems are our battleground in this generation. The list seems to get longer with each generation. I wonder what it will be like for my children and my grandchildren? That is why I must learn how to get this problem under control for myself so that I can teach my children.

Let me clarify, I do not think the solution to the zombie problem is completely unplugging and throwing it all away. The answer is not to hide from it and not let our children partake in any of it. Far from it. Technology can be used for good. The Bible calls us to be in the world, but not of it. I believe that for myself, I am to utilize technology and use it for good. Yet at the same time, I am to see it for what it is. I am to see that in a very subtle way it can begin to become more bad than good and eventually take over if I am not careful. I can partake, but I need to set boundaries (and stick to them). I am to seek the balance and then turn and teach it to my children. Yes, I can do this by setting boundaries for their screen time, but the best way I can teach it is by modeling it in my life and being open with what I experience with my kids so we can talk about it.

As I always do, I share with you with which I wrestle--not from my high and lofty throne because I have "arrived"--but instead from the trenches of learning. I wonder if the struggle I have to keep the balance of technology is yours too. I imagine it might be. I encourage you to take a real, hard and honest look at your life and see if maybe you've become subtly entwined in a zombie state, like me, and assess what has taken a hit in your life as a result. I hope you won't stay that way. What I hope is that you will let Jesus release you from your bondage and do what it takes to get back to living real life in freedom from the Enemy's snare. I hope that you will let go of that zombie life full of fluff and get back to real living. Get outside and enjoy His wonderful creation with your children, meet up with your real life friends for coffee and seduce your man! Today is a new day!

Why it Matters to Me

2010-04-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

After my last post, I began to make dinner, but I couldn't stop thinking about the sex trafficking that occurs in our world. Tears kept welling up in my eyes as I tried to put something together resembling a meal. I couldn't stop praying for the team that is making their way to Eastern Europe. Why in the world would something such as this matter so much to a little ol' mom such as me? It matters to me because that could've been my daughter. My daughter sat their innocently painting with her watercolors at the dining room table and calling herself an artist as I wrestled with what could've become her future. She has no idea.

She has no idea that when we brought her home from the orphanage, she was just two weeks away from aging out from the nice facility she was in. Two weeks away from being sent to an orphanage where she would no longer be the favorite. The place where they send children deemed unadoptable because she would've been too old and she is considered special needs. Everyone who has any knowledge and insight into Russia, even from the mouth of our translator--that was not somewhere she would want to go. It wouldn't have even been the next level down in care. It would've been the bottom where she would've been left to rot until she aged out as a teenager. You tell me, where would a child with effects of polio have been left as a teenager and no where to go? The street. Would she have been able to defend herself? Probably not. My daughter was two weeks away from living without hope. That is why the fate of the orphans in Eastern Europe matters to me. It matters to me because it's personal. It matters to me that every child deserves a family, clean water, shelter and food.

Just wanted you to know why following a trip and a ministry such as this appears here on Mommy Map. It appears here because without Daughter of Purpose, it just wouldn't be the same.

Blogging from the Dark

2010-04-05T17:43:00.000-07:00

My heart is still in Russia. I miss it there. I pray that God returns my husband and I there some day whether it's to adopt again or to do ministry. An extra bonus would be to bring our children too. Along my journey of falling in love with Eastern Europe, I've come across a ministry that I believe in. It's called Children's Hope Chest. Their ministry is the light in the dark world of orphans who are released out onto the street once they age out. More often than not, female orphans end up in prostitution/sex trafficking. This breaks my heart beyond what I can express. Living in America, I don't think we can really grasp this reality.

Right now a group of people that I follow by reading their blogs/tweets are on their way to M*ldova and diving right into the M*ldovan sex trafficking world. They are going there to be a part of breaking the cycle for the orphans and for those women who come from poor villages to the cities looking for work and finding broken promises. You can read more about it at http://www.flowerdust.net/ or Tom Davis' blog. You can also reach them via the "Blogging from the Dark" badge on the right.

Would you do me a favor over the next two weeks? First, please cover them in prayer. Secondly, would you please check in with their blogging and follow their journey? That's where I'll be and along with covering them in prayer, I'll be praying for you. I'll be praying that you will allow God to break your heart--in a good way--a way that changes you to see that there is a hurting world all around us. We cannot continue to live in our comfy American world and pretend that these things don't exist. Join me in asking God how you can be a part of the solution.

A Little Bit Here and a Little Bit There

2010-03-31T22:44:00.000-07:00

How ever do I manage to get things done for myself each day? How do I map out that time? Answer: A little bit here and a little bit there.

My day starts off with the most important snippet of time I can carve out of my day by some quiet moments with the Lord. I would prefer to hit the floor with my feet running, but I make myself stop and spend at least 20-30 minutes each morning just being quiet. Sometimes I simply pray. Other days I read a bit from a book or a biblestudy that helps me focus in on the Lord more and what He may be trying to teach me. You can read more about how I trained my children to leave me alone for these quiet moments here.

Another snippet of time that I manage to grab for myself is during the afternoons. My children do not nap anymore, but they still have a quiet time from 2-3 pm every afternoon. This is a time when they choose quiet activities to do. They read, nap, draw, play with their Leg*s or my daughters may play with things like Littlest P*t Shop, Puppy in My P*cket, or P*lly Pocket. It is during this time that I am able to quiet my mind again and either slip in a nap for myself so I can make it through the rest of the day, read a book or work on my crocheting. Maybe you're thinking that it sounds ideal--and it is--but it has taken years of groundwork so that my kids still maintain the habit. I have kept this time of quiet in their daily life for their benefit of being able to have the skill of entertaining themselves for a period of time and so they also know how to quiet themselves each day. It is also for my personal benefit because it gives me a chance to enjoy solitude in the midst of a noisy household. I am naturally an introverted person so this quiet time each day allows me to not lose my mind by the time my husband walks in the door after work.

Most days I also manage to grab a little bit more time in the afternoons or evenings to write this blog or to enjoy my hobbies. I'm not talking a lot of time, but little bits of time throughout the day. If it's merely 15 minutes, I take it. If it's an hour, I take it. I also have purposed to find things I enjoy that I can take with me everywhere I go. Not all things apply out of my home, but I have a few things that I can throw into a bag and take on the go. It helps pass the time, but it also helps to get things done while I'm doing other things. I'm infamous for crocheting any time I am sitting. Honestly, it helps me think better when my fingers are moving.

Day by day and little by little I get it done. By carving out little bits of time each day, the grand total of what I get done each week is astounding, especially with all that I have on my plate! So I ask you, what can you do little bit by little bit each day and surprise yourself with your weekly results? Maybe you've sidelined your sewing skills or your scrapbooking. Maybe you've got a stack of books you wish you could read. Maybe you're more practical and just wish you could find a way to tackle the cleaning of your house. Whatever it is that you wish you could get done each day. Start small and map out just 15 minutes of what you wish you could do and do it!

One thing that makes my daily desires become a reality is by making them easy to store. When you've got little hands around, you've got to find a way to make it easy for you to pull out when in use and to put away when done. If you like to scrapbook, is there a place you can find to leave messy while your pages are in progress? Can you close a bedroom door? Can you roll up your puzzle and tuck it away by using one of those fancy mats? Can your sewing machine be put on a high shelf for temporary daily storage? Just be creative and find a way to carve out some time for the things you enjoy each day. Every little bit helps. Not only will you feel connected to who you are each day, it will encourage you to press on when you see the end result of all you've accomplished. That amount may not be all that you wish it was, but it's better than declaring defeat and getting nothing done at all!

So Mama, what do you like to do for you and how can you get it done today?

Finding the New You

2010-03-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

Many a mom has confessed to me that they are climbing the walls at home with their kids each day. Many a mom has wondered if they are cut out for this staying at home thing. Many a working mom has shared with me their struggle to balance their career and family, but what loses out most often is themselves. In every scenario what I hear is a Mama that feels like all they are is a mom and wife. They wonder where they have gone. Where did that woman go? Everyone of them wants to do something with meaning, significance and some sort of tangible fruit. They are challenged by how to pursue what their likes, passions and interests are without compromising the other roles they play.

When a woman first becomes a mother, she has to learn how to be something she's never been before. She has to learn how her old self now meshes with her new self. She has to learn what are her priorities. What will she keep and what will she let go of in terms of her schedule and in terms of defining herself. For every woman it will be different.

As I've listened to mom after mom work through this and then ask my advice, my first thing I suggest is to simply get out. I have seen some moms get out a bit too much in a effort to fill the hole they are trying to fill for meaning and purpose, but yet most stay-at-home moms I come across isolate themselves without realizing it. So the first thing I tell that Mama to do is to get out to the park, go for a walk or to schedule a play date to get a fresh perspective and some fresh air. Make your days worth looking forward to. How did I survive having 4 children under four when my husband traveled 70% of the year? I planned an outing for us every day or I invited someone over. Even if it was as simple as going to the store for a few items. It was out of the house and that was all that mattered. There were adults there I could talk to!

Secondly, I suggest that a new young Mama thinks through what she loves to do and her skill set and find a way to do it. Whether it's getting involved with the leadership of a ministry or taking a class, whatever it is--do it! Most, but not all of my close friends are stay-at-home moms, but each has found what makes them thrive as Mamas because they've found ways to connect with who they are as a woman.

One of my friends is a children's book writer and has actually published a book in the midst of motherhood! Another has completed her Master's degree by taking on-line classes and gotten board certified in her field. Now she puts those skills into motion by working from home. Another decorates and sells cakes. She creates the most amazing things with fondant! One is a gifted seamstress and sell items at boutiques and on Etsy. Another has a love for scrapbooking so she began a little business of putting together scrapbooks for other people who can't seem to get to it themselves. She saw something she loved to do, saw a need and filled it. One mom began training, is now a tri-athelete and enters every race she can fit into her schedule! Oh! And then there is my friend who took her love of photography and began developing her skills in that area. Now she blesses many with her skills and all of her proceeds benefit orphans. And then there is my friend who has a passion for missions, but wrestled with how to balance that as a working mom. Now she serves our church well on the Missions Committee. The list could go on...

As for me, different seasons have held different things for me to channel my skills into. When I was drowning in diapers, I was on the leadership team for our local MOPS because it helped me keep my sanity. It helped for me to do something that I saw was making a tangible difference. Even though some may have questioned whether I should've done that during that particular season, I dare say it was what kept me afloat as I often times felt like I was drowning. There have been times that I've lead a women's Biblestudy in my home, helped with VBS, filled in for sick Sunday School teachers or directed an AWANA ministry. Sometimes even organizing meals to be taken to a new mom has helped me feel like something I did mattered. Over the years, I have done many things, but each was something that helped me feel like I was a real person, not just someone's mommy or wife.

For now, what keeps me feeling like I'm making a valuable contribution to society is by taking my passion for orphans and helping to get an adoption ministry off the ground for our church, teaching an art class once per week and crocheting. I also love to write this blog and read. At least one of those hobbies is done for a bit each day, but more on that later. Those hobbies are what keep me busy in my "spare time" and now as I have begun to sell more and more of my crocheting, it is developing into a side business for me. As time allows, I develop what I want that to look like. For many years I have prayed for God to give me something to do with my skills that can be marketable and able to provided a little bit of extra income for our family. Crocheting has become that. Finally! I've taken something I enjoy doing and it allows me to get my creative juices flowing with each new thing I create. So if you wonder where I've been or if in the future I go silent...I'm probably off in a corner ~~creating~~ crocheting something new.

The possibilites are endless so don't settle for just being your husband's wife or your child's mom. Remember your name and who you are. God created you to be more than just a mom with the exact skills and interests that you have. Take them and develop them. Bloom where you are planted, Mama! You will thank yourself and so will your family.

Making Time for Me

2010-03-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered in this season of motherhood where you have gone? I know I have at times. I know other moms must also have these feelings too because people ask me how I stay sane while I stay home with my children all day. I've had others ask how I can get certain hobbies done so frequently or how I manage to balance ministry that I'm passionate about.

I will venture this week to answer this, but in short, the answer is that I not only survive, but I flourish in motherhood because I make time for me--to remember who I am--to remember who God made ME to be. It's not something that I demand like a right of mine. I am not entitled to "me time." It's just something that I make a priority to carve out in different ways so that I can be a better mom. My family must notice the difference because my husband practically shoves me out the door when I am attempting to get out the door for some time away and my kids shower me with hugs and kisses, but don't make a drama out of me leaving. They know I'll be back and that a happy mom will return.

There are also ways I carve out "me time" during the day in a day out of life. My family is pretty good about respecting those times too because again, they see the fruit of a mommy that is connected not only to the Lord, but to who she really is.

Join me this week as I share my secrets of how I stay centered in the midst of a busy life in a family of seven. And maybe it will give you a bit of insight as to why I was so silent last week... :)

Borrowing Trouble?

2010-03-23T22:59:00.000-07:00

As I sat in the waiting room of the Optomologist today, I had a few decisions to make. I couldn't decide which was worse...going to the dentist or to get my eyes checked. I mean the dentist is painful and all, but I absolutely can't stand it at the eye doctor when they check your eye pressure by blowing a puff of air in your eye. And then there's the "Is this clear or is this clear?" incessant questions. I have to keep my sarcasm to myself and often feel like punching someone in the eye while I'm there. I settled on a preference of birthing another baby over visiting either of those places.

And then there was the decision of whether I was going to worry or not. I was there because I was having problems with my right eye. My eye has been bothering me for the past few weeks. Last night, I observed that one eye was dialted more than the other, alas the odd feeling in my eye. I asked my husband what he thought and his response was, "Well, it's a bit freaky. If you were passed out, it would mean you were in a coma." Great. That was the encouragement I needed. So then I decided to check the internet, but I do have to say I approached it warily since it can certainly get you into a tizzy if you're not careful. Guess what it said? It said that my problem was a symptom of a brain tumor. Great. Even more good news.

When these pieces of information came to the forefront last night, I knew I had a decision to make. Would I panic and freak out? Would I go down the brain tumor road, practically dig my own grave and say goodbye to my family? OR Would listen to God's word and not borrow troubles from tomorrow?

Matthew 6:34
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I went with option B. As I sat there crocheting last night and mulling it all over in my mind, something told me that if I were to cry and panic, I would be wasting my worry. "Just wait and trust Me," the Sprit said. So I listened and obeyed. I do have to say that it wasn't easy, especially as last night wore into today and an appointment drew nearer. Yet, with each breath I chose to focus on relying on the Spirit's strength and peace rather than my humanness.

This choice to worry or not strikes me as similar to the fretting I often do over whether my children are going to turn out okay or not. Will they be a blessing? Will they love the Lord? Will they rebel? Will they end up in counseling over some parenting inadequacy I have? Will our adopted daughter have attachment issues and go off the deep end as a teenager? Will my children have friends and will those friends be a good ones? If we continue to homeschool, will they turn out like wierdos (oh wait, they could turn out like wierdos no matter what, nevermind)? What if, what if, what if.

Sometimes I find myself funtioning with this mentality that these are God's children, but He's taken His hands off and said, "Go B, do the best you can. And, oh...have a good time!" I act as if I am completely in charge and in control and how my children turn out is all on my shoulders.

God has been speaking to me recently about this wrong thinking and worrying problem I have. He reminded me that no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. I am inadequate. That's just a fact, but with Him I am more than enough. He will fill in the gaps for me to make my children into who He wants them to be. I cannot sit around worrying about whether I covered all of my bases and enrolled them in enough classes and protected them from the evil of the world. It's not about me and what I want them to turn out like. It's about Him and what He wants for their lives. He spoke softly to me and said, "Let it go, B. Stop worrying and trust me that every prayerful decision you make is a part of me shaping and molding your children into who I intend for them to be. Even the bad things. I'll use them for good too."

As I grappled with the Lord's words to me, it actually took a huge burden off my shoulders. It is not me who sees the big picture and ultimately makes them into funtioning adults. It is Him. In fact, I'm absolutely positive that if I just step back and let the Lord do what He's gonna do...He'll do a better job than me.

Every day I have a decision to make. I must decide whether or not I will fret, whether it be about my children's future or even my own. I need to place every life of my family into the hands of the Father and not my own, trusting that He knows what He is doing regardless of how it appears.

Worrying seems to just come second nature to us Mamas. Just as God showed me through my eye problem that any worrying I would've done about my eyes would've been for nothing, so is our constant fretting over our children. There was absolutely nothing wrong with my physical eyes and if I took a moment to open them then maybe I'd see that He's in control and He's got my children and their future safely tucked into His hand. My bet is that He's got your kids tucked in there too. Make your choice today, Mama friend. Let your worries go and just enjoy today with our children because He's got the future under control. Whew! Isn't that a relief?

Happy Birthday to The Talker!

2010-03-19T00:18:00.000-07:00

This weekend we will celebrate the birth of our firstborn son. His birth occured 12 months after our firstborn daughter. It was mighty overwhelming to have them so close together (especially when #3 and #4 followed nearly as close), but now that I look back on it--I wouldn't have it any other way! The Talker was tough for me from the very beginning, but yet through him, God has taught me more than I knew was possible. For this child, I am forever grateful. Even more than that, I am thankful for all that we've been through because now I can clearly see the gift he was and is to me. I wouldn't be half of who I am as a Mama without him. Good thing God knows better than me! Happy Birthday, Talker!

I had such a good time taking a trip down memory lane to find these pics for you that I couldn't decide which one to post. Then I decided to post more than one and I also decided to share some of his older pics because he was (and still is) just so darn cute!

Anytime, Anywhere or Just Enough?

2010-03-18T17:02:00.000-07:00

I was doing some reading this morning and the book was talking about how we as humans have this tendency to do "just enough." We do "just enough" Bible reading to make God happy. We don't read it because we like to and enjoy spending that time with the Lord, but instead we try to figure out how much is "just enough" to get by. Conviction on my part. I mean I do enjoy reading my Bible, but sometimes I just want to get it done and over with so I can check it off my daily mental list. Sometimes I'd rather accomplish tasks that I can see the result from. Sometimes I would rather plug my brain into the social networks rather than engaging with my Maker.

Okay, so to say it again...I was convicted, but then it got me started thinking. What other areas of my life do I do the same thing? Hmm...here's one. If you've heard my friend and I speak about sex (I haven't posted this on Mommy Map yet), we talk about being willing to have sex with your man anytime, anywhere. Yet I must confess that anytime, anywhere is hard to accomplish. Is it what God wants for me? Yes. But is it easy to do? No. Anytime, anywhere is something that I aim for, but yet in my humanness am not able to be perfect at. Hear me again...it is my aim, but I have not mastered it. I find myself falling back into old patterns of making sure we have sex "just enough," even if what makes him happy is daily. Just enough to make my man happy, but why do I stop there?

My man and I have this conversation all the time that goes something like this after we've had sex:
He says, "Oh, that was good. Can't wait until later when we can do it again."
I respond, "What do you mean later? We just did it already today."
He says, "Why do we only have to do it once per day? Is there some allotment that I'm not aware of?"
I say, "No, there's no allotment, I just didn't know we'd be doing it again. Why do we have to do it again?"
He says, "Why not?"
It continues on with me asking why and him asking why not.

I see the similarity in the conversation I have with the Lord. I start my day by spending time in His Word and he says, "That was great spending time with you. I can't wait to meet with you later today." I find myself in both scenarios being resistant and trying to check that task off my list instead of being open to the possibility of meeting up again. Whether it's with my husband having a romp in a bedroom or whether it's with my Lord--both bring me pleasure so why do I struggle so much to say "yes" with no reservations? What is it with me? Do I fear that I could get too much of a good thing? Would there really be a problem with throwing my list out the door (or simply adjusting it) and enjoying my husand every single day? What about taking the time and some of my brain space to meditate on what the Lord has said to me in His word throughout my day instead of just when I rise? Can I ever really be too full of the Lord?

<Gasp>

Imagine what would happen if I actually stopped to read my Bible twice in a day--kinda like a fuel-up mid-day. Horror of horrors, what if I spent time checking in with the Lord, instead of my friends on Facebo*k?!! AHH!! Imagine the possibilites for a changed life if I worked on finding a way to seek after spending more and more time with the Lord instead of "just enough." Imagine my changed marriage when I worked to spend time in pleasureable activities with my husband instead of offering "just enough."

Why do I do that? Why do I spend so much of my time holding tightly to what I deem as "mine" and it really makes me miserable. By holding tightly to "my time" at night, I end up with a husband who just wants me to want him and tension filling the air. By holding tightly to "my time" to accomplish tasks, I end up running on fumes mid-day and ready to strangle my children by bedtime. Imagine if it were different...

I am a work in progress. I know that when I write or speak, it may seem like I've got it all figured out. No, not really. I wrestle with what I aim for and what I actually accomplish on a daily basis. All of that wrapped up into perfectionist me. It can be a bad combination. I'm sure the Lord must think, "Are we gonna wrestle or are we gonna just spend time together today, B?"

I'm sure there will be days of wrestling, but what I really want is to just enjoy my husband and enjoy my Lord. How can there be anything wrong with that? I'm gonna work on less "just enough" and more "anytime, anywhere" with my husband and my Lord. Will you join me?

Managing My Home: Staging Area

2010-03-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

We have an area of our house that we call, "The Staging Area." It is the part of the house where we ready ourselves to go out the door. It's such a simple thing that my husband built years ago with some wood we had left around in the garage. We had the hooks lying around too. The only cost was the dish tubs I bought from the dollar store.

As you can see, each of our children has a tub and a hook. Each tub has their hats (winter or summer, depending on the season), gloves, scarves, sunglasses, and socks. On their hook, they hang bags and jackets. Obviously, during the summer this "staging area" is a bit more sparse than it is during the winter. When we added Daughter of Purpose to our family, we placed a basket on the floor for her that holds all the same things and added a hook on the side. It has ended up at just the right height for her.

Maybe it sounds weird to have thier socks here. Shouldn't they be upstairs in their dresser? Well, I went round and round about this one. I had to break out of what made logical sense to me versus what was practical in our home. The reality is that as soon as my children enter our home, they toss their shoes off into a basket that is near the staging area, which is near the entry/exit to our home. They are pretty much barefoot all the time. So imagine when I'd tell them it was time to get ready to go. They would then have to go all the way upstairs to get a pair of socks before they could ever put their shoes on. It just wasn't working so I decided that even though it was odd, I'd store their socks in the staging area.

Since then, I've also established a "sock drawer" in the bottom of our dryer in the laundry room (which is very near the "staging area" also). I got tired of the shoes being tossed the basket, but the socks being left all over the house. Now they know where to put their dirty socks so I don't have to chase them all over the house. I just dump those socks into the laundry every week instead of having to hunt them down first.

It's not foolproof, but by creating places or "homes" for the things my children need to get out of the house or by doing the same on the other end--when we get home--they are really pretty good about making sure their items get where they need to be. Organization makes a huge difference for us as all of us get out the door in a hurry! Imagine that...a world where things are where they are supposed to be! With seven people in our family, it can be a challenge to get out the door, but now we've got one problem solved by a simple organizational system.

Handmade

2010-03-11T10:39:00.000-08:00

As I have mentioned before, I am currently reading a book called, "The Me I Want to Be: Becoming God's Best Version of You" by John Ortberg. Here is a quote from today's reading that is rolling around in my mind.

"Imagine a parent who thinks, No matter how many kids I have, I will treat them each exactly the same way. Each kid will be a blank slate for me to write on, pliable clay for me to mold. They will all be motivated by the same rewards, impacted by punishment the same way, and attracted by the same activities."

You'll have to read the book to find out how that works into the premise of his book, but I've been thinking about that quote all morning and how it relates to us here on Mommy Map. Isn't that the way we think before we have children or even when we have just one child. We think we have it all figured out...then we have children (or more children). Reality obliterates that notion. In my imaginary world, it would be so great if the above mentality was reality. Yet I am thankful that perfection is not the reality. I am thankful that God did not mass produce my children. He custom made them or another way to think about it is that He handmade them. Each of them is so uniquely different. I love the verse that says in Psalm 139 that he knit them together.

v 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

Being a crocheter, I get that. I feel alive when I weave something together with my hands and it turns out beautiful. It may not make any sense along the way to those who don't know how to crochet or knit, but each stitch has a purpose and it works together toward the bigger picture. Even right now, I have two colors of yarn that are calling me to make them into something beautiful. I am yearning to tune out what I must do to simply sit and do what I want to do and begin creating. Yet I am still working on the bigger picture in my mind. I don't want to just start weaving with no purpose. I need to think it through before I even begin. No two things I make are ever the same.

I love thinking about God sitting up there and thinking through each one of His creations--seeing the bigger picture--and then intricately weaving that person together to be the best that they can be for Him. No two are alike. I don't know about you, but I love knowing that I am the only one like me and that I bring Him pleasure. He made me because He likes me. So if this uniqueness brings me much satisfaction then why is it that I want Him to make my children all the same and strip them of that satisfaction?

Okay, here is real reality. I don't actually want Him to make them all cookie-cutters of one another. Imagine how boring life would be like that! It keeps me on my toes as I get to know them and learn how to parent them in such a way that they can become the best they can be for Him. I choose how I view it--as a burden or a blessing. It's a daily challenge to view it as a blessing, but yet so very worth it. It gives great satisfaction to me when I finally "get" what works for a particular child.

Right now, I am right in the midst of filling out a bunch of Post Adoption Report paperwork. We have four of these we have to do over the course of 3 years for Daughter of Purpose. I always chuckle as I fill out cookie-cutter question after question. My favorite is "What type of discipline is used?" Typically what they are asking is what happens when a child gets in trouble in our home. There really is not enough space on the paper to describe all of the different methods I use because each of my five children respond differently in every situation. Yes, we have a baseline, but I customize every single day whether it's for discipline or motivation.

Sometimes I have young moms that ask me how to get their child motivated to do something. My response is always the same. I ask that Mama what matters most to her child, not all of her children as a whole, but what matters to that one child. What do they really like or what do they really hate? I encourage her to use that as a means to get them to do what needs to be done. Here is an example in my home. The Negotiator is a lover of screens. Whether it's the TV, the computer, DS or Wii, he will do most anything to be able to use them. In order to motivate him to get his school done in a timely manner, he knows that none of those will be in use until he is done. I also use it as leverage when he needs correction. I will take those privileges away if he is in trouble. On the flipside, The Talker could care less about screens. So using the methods of The Negotiator to apply to The Talker would be a waste of my time and not very effective.

Mama Friend, I encourage you today to meditate on how intricately each of your children is woven together and to relish in that. To relish that you have a God that loves each one of your children so much that He took the time to stitch them together in such an amazing way and that as He wove each one of those intricate details into your child, He did it with you in mind. He did it because He knew it was best for you to be their Mama. He did it knowing each dynamic of your family and seeing the bigger picture. I don't know about you, but that excites me! It's kind of like a mystery gift that I slowly get to unwrap each day. Some days the details revealed are for my child, but some days the details are for me to learn from because we have a big God loves us beyond comprehension and desires for each one of us to be the best that we can be!

Happy Birthday Mini-Me!

2010-03-05T12:05:00.000-08:00

11 years ago I became a mom. Hard to believe it's gone so quickly. This weekend we will celebrate the life of our first born. Who'd have ever known 11 years ago what I blessing she would be? I cannot imagine life without her. She is my right hand, has a heart of compassion and simply...I enjoy being with her. When I go places, I take her with me because I like to be with her. I cannot wait to see what God has in mind for her future. I pray that she will grow to be a godly woman that serves God with reckless abandon and that if she ever stands out, it will be because she is a light in a dark world. I couldn't have asked for a better first born!